art fair

It is that time of year again. So hot and sticky and about 100,000 people
come to town for art fair. The booths are spread up and down all the
streets for several blocks. Little white tents that house painted ,
scultped and knitted treasures. It isn't like I can afford to buy any of
it. Some of it is really beautifulk though. There is one guy who paints
pictures of water. Being water is my greatest phobia, they sort of freak
me out. They are beautiful but empty scenes of a neverending ocean.

Last night I had a water dream again. I was walking with a group of
children. One of the little girls, a beautiful little black girl with
pigtails fell in the water. It had been raining and the waters had risen
and flooded everything. I jumped in the water and grabbed her hand and we
were both pushed uot towards the entrance of the area we were in. Out the
door I could see the river, vastly overfilled running very fast into
drainage tunnels. I was barely holding on the the wet concrete rim that
kept us from getting pulled into the river. The children were screaming.
I saw one pulled past me into the river but I couldn't grab her as then I
would have let go of the other little girl. All I could see was the water
gushing into the drainage tunnels. So fast and relentless. I knew if I
got pulled in there I would never get out. I realized I was dreaming at
this point and fought to wake up. I actually started biting my hand to
wake up. When I was awake, I realized I hand my hand in my mouth and I
had bitten it pretty hard.

Later I had another dream that made me wake up sobbing. I was an
adventurer. I was climbing things and jumping far and fast. I had an
enemy chasing me with his helper but they were no match for me. I had my
little helper and we were so cool, so good at what we were doing. My
enemy came up behind me and I think I stabbed him in the chest. He fell
off the thing we were climbing up and died. Then his helper climbed up.
His helper was just a little boy who looked very sad. I pulled him close
to my chest and hugged him and told him that we would take care of him and
love him. He started to cry and thought that he had died. I told him no
that he was still alive. Then he said something like, this must be heaven
cause I have never been so happy, except I thought I'd have lazer eyeballs
in heaven. I guess it is one of those things that make more sense when
you wake up all groggy. I cried because it made me so sad thast the
little boy had never known anyone to love him. I loved him so much and
wanted to take care of him forever. I guess however that in a perfect
world, all little boys would like cool superpowers thus the lazer
eyeballs. I think dumpling has professed a desire for lazer eyeballs once
or twice.

Another funny thing dumpling said once: He thought cows peed out milk. I
said no, it comes from thier boobs. This (as opposed to the pee idea ??)
totally freaked him out and he wondered around disgusted by the idea for a
couple of days. He also in all seriousness thought that brown cows have
brown milk. He was little of course-about four.

So back to the art fair. Herds of people-hundreds and hundreds of them
wonder around in the hot sun/pouring rain (both of course are required for
a good art fair). The merchants sit at thier booths piled high with
whatever stuff they happen to be selling. Entertaining stuff-crazy
lifesize super realistic scultptures of peopls. These things are so
realistic as to be disgusting, moles, wrinkles, pot bellys, all the
imperfections we as humans possess. Yuck. Also twenty foot tall metal
animals-two ponies, last year there was a spider and other stuff too.
Some really pretty work with nudes. I guess I like that stuff myself as I
think the human figure can be really beautiful. One lady had taken nudes
and then messed with the negatives to get make pictures where all that was
left was color and an outline of the original nude. Very abstract but
quite pretty. Another guy had very neat stuff in which he took photos and
cropped them into pieces and then overlayed them and replicated them.
Like you put the nude and some furniture in a blender and out came this
sort of wierd yet cool picture. Very nice stuff. Lots of digital
manipulation in the photos as well. I saw one other booth with some
nudes but I wasn't as enthused about them. They were mainly of two very
pretty, very thin models, taken outside in a variety of locations. It
seemed wierd to mix the extra detailed complicated network of trees and
clouds and outside stuff with the simplistic symmetric/antisymmetric
figure studies. It just didn't fit so well together. But then again what
in the hell do I know about art! :)

The booths remind me of when I was small at the flea market.
Every weekend I'd help mom and grandmaw set up thier antiques-mostly
grandmaw. We'd get up at six, drive out and get donuts, then drive to the
flea market. Off would come the sheets and she would turn on the lights
and put all the jewlery in the cases. Suddenly a tiny piece of a big grey
sullen cattle barn where the flea market was held became a tiny department
store. Little maniquin heads wearing sparkling jewelry, a lady' head
planter turned into a pin cushion to hold amazingly elaborate hat pins. I
would help grandmaw on Fridays when she moved in the tables and boxes and
unpacked most everything. I think that is why I am so good at moving now.
You cram all these items neatly into a small space and have to quickly
pack and unpack them. Fridays we would set up big card tables, and put
nice table clothes down. Then all the stuff would get placed on the
tables, artfully of course. We would cover it with sheets and go home to
return bright and early the next morning. I would uncover the items and
turn on the lights and once grandmaw was up and running I was free to
explore.

I have no idea how I didn't become a child abduction statistic. I
wondered around alone in isolated scary places for most of my childhood
just seeing what was there. What's around the next corner. I vistied all
the muesuems in the area-then the life science mueseum was free. The
Kimbell was really dull-how many cowboys can anyone person want to see. I
got asked to leave the modern art meusum as I was touching the paintings.
I was only about eight and there was this amazingly big pink one with
gradients that ran the length of it. How could you not touch the silly
thing?

I spent the most time however at the horse show facility next to the
cattle barns where the flea market was. I saw the Paso Fino, appalossa,
palamino world shows. The arab regionals. The welch pony world shows. the
paint horse youth world show. I saw hunter/jumper stuff and a bit of
dressage. I saw the world cutting horse championships four years running.
Lots of reining and quarter horse events as well.Quite an education for
the horse obsessed girl. The entire time I wondered around noone ever
asked me to leave ( well except when I was shoplifting at the home and
garden show across the way from the horse barns-my brother started that).
I would just wonder from stall to stall peering in at all thses yummy
smelling horses and everyone took for granted that I was supposed to be
there. In retrospect I think I was like a little shadow that just ignored
the people and thus they ignored me. A tiny little something that is
behind the scenes and belongs. I was so alone with myself and I really
didn't mind so much. How odd.

chaos

Everything is so chaotic at the moment. I feel like every post is just a
blurred continuation of the previous random post. My days are filled with
a bit of anxiety and fractious, unchannable energy. At night my sleep is
so upset. I toss and turn and dream all night-solving problems in my
sleep
again. Leaves my days feeling so upside down and sleepy. I manically
attack my house to little to no avail. Clothes are evrywhere, trash is
everywhere. Need Focus! The move date is rapidly approaching and I feel
unprepared.

Finish the giving post-
buddhists
car
north
money
the more you give the more you get. Does that include bullshit?

proofs
tomatos
art fair
spelling

giving

I am almost finished with the packing and throwing out phase of the move.
Originally my intent was to rent a uhaul truck. Four years ago it cost us
800 to move her from Texas. To move back would cost us 1800. It turns
out that there is much more demand for the trucks going north to south so
I guess they have to pay someone to return the trucks after people take
them down. Seeing as all of my household belongings combined aren't woth
1800 I am not going to pay that much to transport them.

We decided to rent a trailer and haul it behind the truck when my sweetie
comes down in Augsut and I'll just fill the minivan till it bursts. This,
however , means purging our home of much of the crap we have. Clothes are
easy to get rid of. Since dumpling is with grandparents, toys are a
cinch. I called him and said that I had packed the legos, yugioh cards,
and transformers and did he want anyhting else. Being that he inherited
my short term memory he just said he wanted the legos, transformers and
yugioh cards. Simple enough. He had no idea what else was actually in
his room. I am a mean mom.

I gave the stinky escort to my nieghbor. I cleaned it up and it actually
looked pretty nice. I wanted to donate it to a car charity but so many of
them seem really shady. I started talking to him over the fence as he was
wanting to give me some watermelons. I asked him if he knew of anybody
that needed a car. He said he did and wanted to buy it from me. I told
him, no it wasn't worth much and he could just have it. Instead of
finding a charity to give my car to the poor I just located a poor person
myself. He is a good ol' guy. He drinks a bit of beer and lives with his
wife with a bunch of

When the truck's a rockin...

So we finally bought a new truck on Monday. We were planning to buy one
in Texas but I realized that once we moved we'll both have new jobs and a
new residance and while it'll still get financed, the interest rate will
be painful. We decided on a toyota tundra as they are rated really well
by consumer reports and after our minivan fiasco with the honda and the
windstar I have to say I trust them.

The salesman was the biggest prick ever, such a greasy nasty individual.
He was bug eyed and just rude. I wanted to go ask the nice old guy to
sell us the truck but being from Texas and having some amount of manners,
it seemed rude to switch horses in mid stream.

The truck is this strange grey glittery color-really ugly I think until
the sun sets and then it picks up all the orange and red and looks really
beautiful. I can't summon much excitement about the truck as-well it is
just a truck. My husband however is absolutely enthralled. He loves the
truck-more than me I think. Well maybe not but he does love it.

Last night I had showered and crawled in bed and was snuggling up to go to
sleep when he came in and pounced on me and started giving me kisses. One
thing led to another and before you know it we were being exhibitionists
in our new Tundra-and back behind the house. We live right up on a main
road and are askling to get hauled off to jail but I guess at least we'll
entertain a person or two before we go.

It is really amazing how excited my husband gets about running artound
naked outside. Not only does he love our back porch and truck for the
obvious reasons but he thinks it is funny as hell to run around in front
of the windows naked or outside in boxers. I keep yelling at him beacuse
he feels the need to take a leak out our back door off the porch. He just
laughs.

I get back to nature by hiking and yoga, trying to reach deep inside
myself to maintain a sense of wholeness. My husband just wants around
naked
outside. He does look pretty cute though ...

Found a job maybe-at least a phone interview. In the right town and right
field. Now if we can only get Dumpling in the charter school we were
hoping for. It is a school based on multiple intelligences and professes
to be flexible. He needs it. He is a genius, especially spatially. He
tested at the 97% overall IQ but at the 99.6% spatially. Unfortunately he
really needs help with his social skills. He needs a teacher who can keep
an eye on him and recognize when he is upset and help him finds ways to
resolve it without having a breakdown. He does some of the same stuff I
did when I was little when he gets upset. I would bite my hands and bang
my head in the wall. He tends to yell a bit more, but will bang his head
on the table and the wall sometimes. It's funny as my little niece from
my perfect sister-in-law is about a year old and not only bites kids,
teachers and mom but will also bite herself.

I feel bad for dumpling and her because they have so much overflowing
emotion that they don't understand how to express or society forbids them
to express it. For dumpling at least that's the case. Even now
sometimes, if I argue with my husband, I will find myself knawing at my
hand. This really freaked him out at first and he would harrass me about
it. I think he figured out it was a way I had of derailing irrational
anger and then became much more understanding. We actually never fight
anymore. Every now and then we will disagree but almost always apologize
in a couple of minutes. He is such a wonderful, amazing mate. I Love
him.

limits of infinity

So scheduling getting an IUD is kinda like taking the limit of an infinite function as it approaches infinity. It just keeps getting further and further away. You think you have almost reached the appointment only for them to cal and postpone it again. The first time they had me scheduled with the wrong Dr, then they had to order it (3 weeks!), now they haven't gotton it in yet. It isn't thier fault as they can't control the shipping time but I am leaving the state in a week and will have crappy health insurance after that. Health insurance that won't cover the cost of an IUD. It seems like such a simple solution. Perhaps I can get them to give me the stupid thing or ship it to me and I can find a dr who will insert it in Texas. I can't have any more little ones right now. My poor husband. After this week he won't see me for almost a month. Unless he drags home a little sororiety girl, he will be lonely. And now for the next week, I have to use condoms or that terrible spermicide for birth control. ewwwww.

We celebrated our two year aniversary the other day. We have been together for almost four years plus two from before when we broke up. I am glad we didn't get married the first time around. We would have beeen quickly divorced. Rather we both went away for awhile, found ourselves and realized what we were missing. When he first wanted to get back with me, I was very frustrated and didn't want any part of it. I am very independent and strong. I hate being made to feel guilt and don't want to rely on others at all. I wanted to be alone and be free of any obligations to a man. I had my tiny man of course but he is a special case! I pushed him away for several months. We would have dinner, agrue about something and rather than being sweet and apologizing I would just leave-free. Within an hour he would call me and say how sorry he was and that he loved me and wanted to be with me. I didn't mean to change him or make him whiny, but I refused to deal with his previous self. He had to learn that he will not always get his way and that things will at times go my way. If I am going to be invoved with a person as odd as he, I have to have some level of control over the relationship.

In the end it worked out. He moved with me across the country from friends and family to a place he hated. The first year we fought a lot. Sometimes over small things, but mostly over dumpling. My little dumpling, it turns out has ADHD and always has. He got kicked out of two daycares and finally went to regular school which is much harder to get kicked out of. He is doing really well now since we understand how we can help him florish, but back then it was so hard to know what to do. So me and my mate fought like banshees about what was the right answer.

After about a year we stopped fighting, we would go off in a huff and not speak for a couple of hours. Now mostly I give him nasty looks for about three minutes and he then proceeds to tackle me and tickle me and tell me that he is sorry and loves me and doesn't want to fight. I then apologize and we cuddle and figure out what to do about whatever the disagreement was.

After two years in the artic tundra, we got married. He was out riding his bike, fell down and busted his nose open pretty badly. He came home and we butterfly bandaged it together and I told him not to go to the hospitol as they can't do much with a broken nose till the swelling goes down anyways. I think. Anyways, his insurance sucked and mine was really good. I told him that since he would likely need surgery on his nose, we should get married so it would be covered. We Stomped down to an Ohio courthouse and got hitched. Our minister was this funny little black preacher who took our little disposable camara and in between asking "Will you take this woman" snap snap of the camara "to be your lawfully wedded wife" snap snap he took pictures. Then we went to bennigan's for lunch. I am far happier with this courthouse-crazy minister-absentee bridesmaids wedding than the traditional wedding. Now my husband tells everyone that we got married after he recieved a head injury.

My three friends knew they couldn't come to the wedding due to my delightfully asocial husband so they threw me a bachelorette party-without me there. They went to Target and bought these three pretty blue dresses and then made me a beautiful bouqaet. They also got totally trashed it seems and appointed AX to be my maid of honor. She raised her wine glass and gave a drunken speech-they showed me the pictures-later they returned the dresses to Target. Tacky maybe but fun all the same!

I have such great friends and am blessed to have a wonderful husband and a naughty silly little dumpling. I don't think this week can get any better. A new, good job, dumpling is in the school I want him to go to, I will have an apt surrounded by trees, I got beautiful photos taken of me and had a great time BBQing for my friends who came over last night. Plus, it looks like the stupid project at work is finally going to successful. My tarot card was the World on this little quiz I took and it sounds very appropriate.

I was nekkid

I got to pose for the photographer today. It was really fun but now I am very tired-languid I suppose. He had me work with a few gauzy shirts I have and then had me do a bunch of shots with backbends in them. I gues in a normal day or yaoga I do about five minutes of backbends altogether. He had me doing about twenty minutes worth. Plus the extended time holding some of the poses is making my legs ache. No running or yoga today. I think I have worked hard enough! It was so odd because I thought I would be more self concious naked in front of a strange guy, but he was so nice and professional that it didn't matter at all. I just stood about butt naked while he adjusted lights and sheets-it was kind of funny. I wanted to take pictures with my tomatoes but by the time we were done I was too tired to worry about it. I have to say the lighting pasrt of photography is an art-science. Lots of measuring.

Twitty kitty came back this morning. I was outside eating breakfast and he sauntered up and started rubbing against my leg. Last night we heard him fighting with a big white cat and then he took off. We put out the live trap with tunafish in it but I must have disabled it when I moved it because this morning there was no tuna or cat. It was just sitiing there wide open. I was so glad to see poor twitty. He looks a bit skinnier and had some burrs in his coat, but doesn't seem too bea6t up or anything. It was funny the way he wondered up all nonchalontly, just happened to be in the nieghborhood and wanted to say hi. I bet he is sick of getting his butt kicked and living in the rain and just wanted to come back home without losing his feline dignity. I think he must be sleeping down in the basement right now as he didn't even say hi when I came in the house.

Never use nair on your underarms.

Never. ever. ever do that again.

I found a job! Gainful, payed employment. The job is where I want to be, dumpling goes to the charter school I want him to go to, and it actually looks like a fun job that will match my personality nicely.

It is a tech type job that requires customer service skills. You spend most of your time helping customers work through the probbels they encounter with the technology and developing new ways to use the technology. Perhaps I'll put off law school a bit if I like the job well enough. On top of everything else it actually pays really well-about 10K more than I was expecting. I guess my MS wasn't such a mistake after all. The best bonus is that it seems like my boss is a really great lady. She sounded laid back but enthusiastic and very friendly and outgoing. She also said " we don't usually get in till around nine or so" yeah!


Twitty the kitty escaped outside yesterday as I was moving boxes in and out of the car. He has spent the last year and a half plastered to the window watching the outside world and has gotten more and more brave about the door. I guess at some point he slipped out as it was closing behind me. We tried to catch him for about thirty minutes last night but he would run away from us a few feet , then turn around and stare. This morning he was nowhere in sight but he had left us a very fresh dead mouse minus a foreleg. We put his food in a live trap by the tomatoes so hopefully he'll get dumb and go eat there.

Stupid cat. I am really worried about him.

more funny things dumpling said

God loves geographic engineers

how do you defeat milk?

Ow these butterflies bite! (I put butterfly clips in his hair)

What are these little balls under my wee wee?

I feel bad eating animals, but I like to eat sausage and pepperoni. If we
had holographic pigs we could cut pieces out of them and eat them instead.

In a letter he wrote from grandmaw's house: The cat is probably going
ballistic.

questions

What are your long term career goals?

I would like to transition into a position of responsibility. One that
allows me to interact with others in a team and achieve commom longterm
goals of the comapny. I would hope to valued for the unique gifts I can
bring and help improve customer service and use of the products
manufactured.

Then I would like to be a fish.

I'm sorry what did you say?

A fish. I would like to then transition into a fish. A pretty yellow one
with blue stripes that swims around the coral reefs. Like this one on
this book here. It looks so happy so carefree! Weeee, what a happy fish
I'd be. Look there's my little pink buddy.

Um, that's very interesting. Do you think they would be an achievable
goal here at wifgits inc ?

I think widgits spirit of employee support and understanding of employee
needs would allow me to thrive in any area I chose to pursue. Your long
history of workers rights and excellent benefits makes me think that
widgits would be an ideal place to pursue my goals. And there is that
ponf out front.

The pond?

Yes. I mean granted the fish thing will take some time. Daily immersive
baths to begin accomadating the scales I'd guess. Gills can't exactly be
easy.

why the car smells like a dead person

I love the car. The ford escort. little, grey, well behaved, cheap to
fix car. It is a five speed and is actually fun to drive. Well until the
day. The shopping day.

Kroger seems like an okay place to shop. Relatively cheap, easy to
navigate, as polite as any other store. So I shopped like normal. I put
all the groceries in the car (sweet little grey car) and drove home. The
inverse occurs when I get home. I unpack the groceries out of the car.
It seems however that the milk is suddenly much lighter than it used to
be. The seal popped and now, in the docile, domesticated little ford
escort, there is almost a gallon of milk absorbed into the back seat.

Hummm....

So my first thought was to try lysol. In theory (form my micro class)
the reson milk will smell is that bacteria in the milk start growing and
breaking the milk down. In theroy, I kill the bugs and the car won't
smell. So over a gallon of lysol also gets poured on the seat.

hmmmmm....

So within two days the car is an absolute demonic place of residence. The
milk of course smells to high heaven, yet now it is tempered with a
disgutsing sickening sweet, vomit like lysol odor. It is, of course,
Summer in Texas, so with the windows rolled up, the car becomes a little
bacterial oven, further comingling the fine, delicate smells to a
horrifying extent.


After the fourth day I start leaving the windows rolled down, to at least
dissapate the baking. Now in the morning when I come outside I realize
multiple, huge, hairy flies have taken up residence in the escort. They
know that somewhere there is a plethora of nurishment buried in the seats.
I never saw any fly children as I guess they couldn't penetrate the high
quality foam ford uses.

yuck.

On about the fifth day I went for the carpet cleaning approach. I bought
mountain berry smelly foam carpet cleaner and two bottles of extra
strength febreze. What a fine blend I have created. On the finest of
purfume palettes could now pick out the true origins of the filthy, vile
stench that pervades the poor undeserving escort.

All this time, I have to still use the car for transportation, so me and
dumpling keep gallevating around in the stench home of demons. I think it
was the carpet cleaner that finally broke him out in hives. Big quarter
size whelps all over his legs and thighs. So we took a few days off from
the demon mobile and bought some bendryl.

hmmmm...

So at this point I started focusing on maybe less covering of smell and
more absorption of smell. I bought six boxes of baking soda and dumped
them all over the car. Fine white powder all in the carpets of the
escort. It is possible that this did help some with the smell-at least
till I dumped a cup of coffee over in the passenger side floorboard.

Yummm....

Milk-lysol-mountain cranberry-febreeze-baking soda-coffee smell. All
cooked over slow oven raosting coals of the blasting Texas summer sun.

I finally resorted to taking the car to get the carpets vacuumed. I
watched as the mexican guy cleaning the car starts pulling all the other
car wash guys over to my car to show them what hell truly is. They
laughed-for about ten minutes they laughed.


So the car was a bit cleaner but the smell lingered on. For the next four
yers it lingered. By the second year it was only really bad during the
summer. Now you hardly notice it unless it has set closed up for a long
time in the sun. A faint odor drifts past your nostrils. One that makes
the sulferous fumes of hell seem pleasent. Or it could be that the ever
worsening exhaust leak in the manifold dilutes the milk smell out. My
husband said that upon getting another vehicle to drive my son's and my IQ
should raise significantly as our brains recover from the exhaust fumes.
I don't know-is IQ really worth the rotten milk smell?

hmmmmmm.....

my beautiful mother

This morning my mother held me, wrapped around me with buttery, flowing
moist kisses. She filled the air with glowing radiance, making the sun
scatter and disperse around her volumonious tendrils. Her hands were full
of life giving foilage sucking up her wet, sweet affection. , her arms
made of gritty branches, bugs crawling who won't have to drink again for
days. Her breath so
moist, saturating my skin leaving a sticky, sanctimonious layer of debris
that no amount of AC can fix. It was really humid.

test

test

drowning kiddos and other thoughts

Last night I dreamed my dumpling fell in the water. We had been swimming and he suddenly wasn't above the water anymore. I dove under and found where the water dropped off. He was there trying to grab my hand. I pulled him up but he was unconscious and not breathing. I calmly put him on the ground and begain breathing into his mouth to try and revive him. Dribbles of water poured out of his mouth and he coughed and then was okay again.

It reminds me of a very similiar dream awhile back, with a purple goo ocean instead of water. I was standing waist deep in it with drowning children all around. I was methodically plucking the babies out of the goo and reviving them then passing them off to someone on shore.

I think it is my way of controlling the things that I fear. I am worried about a lot of things in my life-I endlessly try and plan how to take care of them. The water is always my 'fear' and I guess in my dreams I get some practice controlling it by saving the children from it.

I am going to start some modeling for a guy who advertised in the paper. Mostly nude but tasteful work from his portfolio. It doesn't pay really well but a bit of extra cash would be really useful. It will be fun too I think. I really thought my husband would protest more, but he seems to think it is fine. I believe inside his fairly animal male brain, that the fact that his wife is modeling reaffirms social hierchy in a wierd way. A beautiful mate makes him a stronger more desirable, worthy man. The fact that someone would want to photograph his wife reffirms the fact that others think she is beautiful outside of himself. By saying-my wife is modelling-it submits all types of odd social messages. In reality I think the photographer will pretty much take photos of anybody willing to pose for him. He did ask me if I have any corsets though... corsets are kinda cute.

Started yoga seriously again. It does such amazing things to my posture after just one session. By making my back ache, it reminds me that the muscles that give me good posture are there. Throughout the day I find myself engaging the muscles there and making my posture better as to not slump so much. My mom has an extra vertebra in the region where they connect to your ribs. I would guess this means she has an extra set of ribs as well. Not nearly as uncommon as you'd think. I am built almost identically to her so likely I have one extra as well. Makes stregthening my back really important as with an extra vertebra you introduce lots of weakness.

Trying to meditate as well everyday. I am also reading more about Kashmir shavism as it is enlighteneing but complicated. Found an interesting blog sight where lots of hinduism in discussed. It makes me reflect on what I have learned and as always readapt and rethink.

My project at work finally started working. Two years and something finally worked. The day after I find out I am getting another job likely, I find out the project might actually go somewhere from here. Likely I'll get an authorship but it just the success at last that is so satisfying. I in no way want to stay and finish my Ph.D. but it makes me feel good about my efforts.

employment is heavenly

I may actually have a job! Perhaps. I'll have to see in a day or so.

Funny stuff my kid has said

If the four horseman come, he wants to be on thier side. His dad will be the fifth horseman.

He compared childbirth to getting your neck chopped into with an axe-blood everywhere.

He tried to be a lawyer for his friend at school and give him legal advice on how to avoid getting into trouble.

Buddhism is not right. He is going to worship video games. He knows that he doesn't know that, he doesn't know that, he doesn't know that buddhism is not right.

He bulit an amzing gun out of bathroom trash while I was on the phone. Toilet role tubes, paper towels and used tampon applicators he dug out of the trash.

Insisted that buddhists like hip hop music and that I am a buddhist. Said buddhists are actually buttists and like butts a lot and are all from India.

Once when smal he stuck an entire frozen package of guacamole into the vcr slot then tried to use a spatula to retrieve it. He finally says mom "I can't get the vcr to work" I wonder why.

On another occasion my 3" floppy drive was not working on my computer-it said my administrative assistant was not allowing me access to the drive. It turns out my "administrative assistant had inserted my driver's license into the drive

the tomato forrest

My tomatoes have taken over a portion of the front yard. I planted them in tires placed out in the grass so I didn't have to dig up more grass. At the time they seemed so little. They are all almost four and a half feet tall now. The grape tomatoes and yellow pears will be ripe in a couple of weeks. In a month I'll have german striped ones and purple plum ones and I think some of the green and yellow zebra striped ones as well. The cucumbers are also huge, growing out of a wheelbarrow, with squash, strawberries and red and white wave petunias. My house looks like a crazy person's. Not that I am at all crazy. I am perfectly normal. Totally. Really.

I mowed the lawn with my little electric grass fondler today. My husband came home and wanted to know if I had missed the patches of clover and little weed flowers on purpose. Of course. I have this one patch in the back where I let the little purple fey flowers grow up. Whatever plant that is has basically taken over there and now I have groundcover rather than a lawn. My poor landlord. He is such a nice little greek man. My neighboe kindly offered to cut down the overgrowth that is on the fenceline for me. I laughed and told him I was letting it grow for the flowers. I offered to cut it if it was bugging him but he didn't seem to care too much. He has four broken down cars in his front yard. I don't think my flowers matter too much.

Dumpling is with his grandparents for the next couple of weeks. It gives me lots of time to do whatever it is that people without kids do with thier time. I guess I'll figure it out as I go. Lots of reading, posting in my blog and job hunting mostly. Also the evr present yardwork which seems to be a framework for my life. I have been running a bit more as well. Made it up to ten miles on Friday, then six yesterday. I could keep going but tendonitus in my hip acts up a bit and lets me know I need to cool it. It is amazing though cause I am not out of breath, or feeling any muscular pain at all. I could really keep going for quite awhile. It is my summer time mania kicking in. The longer days give me extra energy, just like the shorter ones take it away. I can't wait to get back into a more southern location. This place is too damned cloudy!

Trying to meditate more. It is tough as I am a pretty lazy pig :)) It is easier to go run ten miles than to sit still and be without thought for twenty seconds. If I could try and be mindful while I run it might be okay, but my thoughts are like the wind. I get such a high and come up with such neat stories and fantasies while I run. It makes me happy.

Trying to read more about shiva and such. New learned thing-consciousness in the shiva thought is not quite the same thing as the english translation. It is cit in sanskrit. This means sort of oneness. I'll find and write down what the translater said he thought it was closest to.

Told my husband I am actually hindu. He thought I was a buddhist. He lives in his owm little world sometimes-okay mostly in his own world. We love each other so much but really talk so little about anything. I am actually happy this way. I come up with my own ideas and act upon them. It leaves me being very private and protective of my internal feelings and emotions, as I don't really think he could deal with what I really am like. He sort of knows and lets me run rampant with my excessive, insane yardwork, christmas scuptures, statues all over the house and wierd craft ideas. As long as it doesn't mess too much with what he likes to do, he doesn't really care and is supportive. When we actually try to talk about politics, religion, raising kids or anything at all contreversial we often argue. I feel the need to think in depth and he is a lazy thinker with very set ideas about is right. So we just talk about that stuff at all unless we ne3ed to. We end up being good roomates who have sex alot-good yummy cuddly sex-raise our kid the best we can and do what we can to make each other happy. He does really silly things like take in the groceries for me and carry the fishwater to the fishbowl and I love him so much because he takes the time to care enought to help me. My liberal friends think he is a total ass, but I think we have a really great committed working relationship. They want a guy who fits some book ideal of perfect. My guy is a total nut at times but we make for a good match I guess.

Alright I am going running! Too much energy!!! Ahhhhhh, runn runn runnnnn

so sick

Oh, I fell yucky. I keep running a fever and getting all sweaty. My stomach hurts and all the antacid in the world isn't helping. Last night I couldn't sleep very well as I kept having these stupid repetitive nightmares about stupid things like mispelling words. Ugggghhhhh.

Ibuprofin helps for awhile. I took some yesterday and felt better then went running. I ran close to ten miles and felt fantastic. About two hours later the yucky feeling hit and I realized I must have been running on borrowed drug induced energy. It was great-I felt so energized and glowingly happy. I think this summer, when I am feeling a bit better I am going to plan my own personal marathon. I have a six mile route but I would like to expand it to a 24 mile circle-along roads and such so if I drop down into a coma at least they'll find me at some point!

Read a book about the origins of the devil. Turns out the "devil" figure was invented in zoastorism about 600 BC but that the personal "original sin" and damnation of your soul without intervention from the priests was actually a sumerian (babylonian) invention. All the guilt and fire and brimstone seems to trace from those guys. Originally they were indoeuropean so why they jumped the gun and got all angry seems to have to do with the desire of the kings to be absolute rulers. In such an enviornment that means anyone else outside the king was nothing but garbage. To maintain powere it is essential that to be "saved" you have to please the diety-ruler. These guys make the catholics look lighthearted with all the ceremony, confessions, guilt, and need for forgiveness for little trespasses they had to endure. Don't quite get it all. Will have to read again later at a less sick point. Many things I want to write about but I need a nap first.

the nature of punishment

Should all people receive the same punishment for the same crime?

Did previous cultures hold all members of society to the same standards?

How do you account for the effects mental illness or personality have upon the likelihood of committing a crime?

Is it fair to punish someone becuase thier innate biology wires them to respond in an manner that society considers incorrect? (God-judeocristian seems to think so)

How would you implement understanding of the fact that different people are different ?

At what level does a biological difference truely begin to impair judgement to an extent that a person should be awarded a differential punishment?

Logic applies easily when a group of things are identical or easily classified. Of course if they are equal, then the all receive the same treatment. How do you (or do you) modify logic to account for the fact that your group is actually nonhomogeneous?

Will there eventually be a way to quantify personality on a genetic basis, with the understanding that it is niether wrong or right, but rather just different?

How do you teach others to embrace the things that make them different and make others different as gifts or talents rather than abnormalities?

As a society are we moving towards greater or less homogenaity on a personal level?

How do the three families that the "boy book" discusses play a role in how homogeneuos our population is?

Would it be good to identify/type persons at a young age so that as they grow, thier specific personality needs could be better accommadated?

How do you keep this typing from becoming Gattacca or big brother?

What is the point of punishment?

Does retribution really work to prevent future recidivism?

How promptly and painful must the punishment be to render the desired mental lesson?

Is it better, sometimes, to structure punishment as a lesson or as service to others? Does community service really teach anyone anything?

Last night I dreamed I had to go to a little jewish village where my sister bought the most delicious bread, because I was the only one who could save them from the demons invading the town. The demons looked like normal people. I beat the crap out of this little old demon woman. Before that dream I was waiting tables again. I was doing okay till John the bartender got behind on one of my drink orders. He is so tempermental and I didn't want to leave without the drink. When I got back to my section all the tables were rearranged and they were all looking at me in need of various items. I haven't waited tables in six damn years.