keeping track of thoughts

Where did my I hate scientists post go?

I guess it wasn't meant to be. I ranted about how obstinate all of them are and it seems I didn't save it. I don't really hate them after all I guess.

Things to think about: boys vs. girls, tomatoes, siva, types of meditation, patterns

Water dreams

when I was small:
1. My dag was traPPED IN THE BOTTOM OF A 55 GALLON DRUM covered with water.I could see her but my arms were too short to reach her.

2. My grandmother was trapped in a puddle of water with a piece of metal netting over her. I could see her hands but nothing else. I knew it was her becuase she had on her copper bracelets.

3. My brother had fallen into a crack in the drainage ditch we always walked home from school in. I could see his hands reaching up from the bottom of the crack under wtare but every other part of him was stuck underneath the concrete.

As of late:

A dream about living on an island-hawii like but nightmarish. We had been conquered by outsiders and rather than give up I had decided to die. I jumped in the water and the currents pulled me away from the shore and down into the depths. While I was afraid I was also embraced by the water. It was so strong around me, comforting me while I was sorrowful.

I was visiting a camp of some sort and the children had gotton too close to the water and fallen in. I grew to be very large(tree size) and reached down and plucked them out. I also made the water go away and as it receeded there were the most amazing creatures hiding under it. They were brightly colored and monsterous but not scary as they rightfully belonged in the water and we were invading thier space.

Almost all my dreams have water located in the proximity-an ocean with strong, yet lulled waves, a calm green pond, Sometimes I have to lull the waves to make them calm down or make them stay away from the "dream space"

a water dream

I dreamed as always of the water. The water was surrounding our house and we had all ran to the top floor to escape it. I was in control because I could protect my family. Common sense and rational thought are what is needed in a time of crisis.

I left them and was running away from a man who was chasing me. I wasn't really afraid because he couldn't hurt me. Since I started taking martial arts, people in my dreams don't frighten me anymore. Anger yes, but fear no.

I ran away from him down a long road. I had left the flooded area and my family safe behind. As I ran ahead I saw the ocean. I stopped by the edge and turned to face the man. I sort of stepped out of the dream at this point a bit miffed as I always dream about water. I asked him point blank "Why do I dream about water all the time?" He told me that I dream about water because I am afraid of it and that I like what I fear. That I like to be afraid.

He took my hand and we began to have sex at that point on the gray, gritty beach. Then the alarm went off, which sucked as dream sex is alwasy entertaining even if it is gritty beach dream sex.

Anytime anything tramatic happens to me I dream about it and I very often remember my dreams. After the fire I dreamed of fields on fire. Now when I dream of fire, I put it out with my mind. Whole fields will be ablaze and they just sputter out. After the tornados, I dream about being surrounded by tornados. Seriously, hundreds of them. In my dream we all go sit in the basement and watch them all go by. In another dream they went by in lines circumventing my house because I didn't want them there. After 9/11 I dreamed of planes just falling out of the sky at random. I mean it the damn things were like rain. Now I catch them and help them land smoothly. They sometimes fill in the background of my dreams but they don't crash anymore.

Water is all that's left. In almost every dream I have it is there. I am not really afraid but rather mistrusting and wary of it. I can control it some but the fact that it doesn't go away fascinates me. Sometimes I swim in it-it is so dark and deep and pours over my body engulfing me. It is where I am safe, like a mother's womb. Sometimes I have to save people from it. It is a scary friend that, kinda like the planes, is often in the background of whatever dream I am having. It does scare me.

continued

What is the point of supressing all the fluff and noise our minds constantly spew? It seems that either through prayer or meditation, this supression has been pointed out again and again as a way to become something more or realize something more than what we are.

Better even, where does all this noise come from in the first place? In an ADD mind the noise is louder and faster, manic in intensity. However it also seems to be a wellspring of creativity and an amazing aid to brainstorming. Being an ADD mind, when I take meds, the flow is eased and a quiet takes over. It becomes more difficult to be the random idea generator. Brainstorming and random creativity are supressed while at hand task awareness is enhanced. Global understanding is more difficult whereas step by step processes become much more reasonable to perform.

When I don't take meds, patterns fall into place and I come up with entertaining ideas like putting lighted up Shiva in my front yard and building my own lightup raindeer for christmas. I also become much more artistic. Feelings are more important as well.

I am getting to the point(is there a point?) Where, anatomically, is this flow occuring? It seems to be 30s event-perhaps as small as ten s in the ADD population. The chalkboard holds an idea for 30s-or remains blank-then feels the need to switch ideas. The old thought are pushed aside by the new thoughts.

Like a pumping-a heartbeat or a pulsing of neural networks. I need to find out what event in the brain might occur at these intervals. Ahh, brain anatomy all poured out of my head. I need a refresher course.

Thoughts:
Creativity arises from the convolution of these mental flows. The ability to attach them to past memories and recognize patterns subconciously.

Flows are stopped during meditation, deep sleep.


Flows faster in the ADD population-slowed upon stimulant administration.


Shiva, beautiful shiva, I am sorry not to think more about you. I feel your glow when I meditate sometimes or when I walk or sit. My whole body is lit up and I can't not smile. How odd to be in love with god. I wish that you were something tangible to touch and taste. Sometimes I imagine that you sit in front of me or actually inside of me. When I do I can feel the blood rushing through my hands and legs and feel my heart beat. When I think of you, my lips are soft and my cheeks are flushed. how odd.

uggghuuuugggggggggggeiiiiiiiiiiiiii

job hunting is so depressing. Interview in Dallas went very well. Lunch in Austin went well, however temp agency lady is sort of hopeless. A month in advance I schedule the interview, and two days before she cancels. She then rescedules for four days off, only to never give me a time/place/paperwork. I drove to austin but it turns out she was in sanantonio. She didn't return my calls and I finally called her only to have her say "can we schedule a phone interview?" I could have done that without driving 1900 miles. Seriously. Now back at work with no definite prospects in the future. I picked a terrible time to job hunt. All the BS students just left school and are job hunting leaving me quite unemployed.


On to happier thoughts. Started meditating again yesterday. It really helps to quench the flow of thoughts that rip through my silly noggin all the time. I was so tired yesterday that I think I was really sleeping sitting up but all the same, it counts as trying.

I have been thinking a lot about the point of meditation. It seems to be developing "one pointed focus" What does that really mean? I think, it may be to utterly stop, quench, supress, the "flow of conciousness" . I recently read part of a text on conciousness by a prof in England. She did her PhD in ESP research and realized it was a bit unrealistic and now teaches courses on the nature of conciousness.

It made me think back on what is conciousness. Conciousness seems to be the flow of information/sensory/past experiences through our working memory. We sense it as a continous run of thoughts and ideas that are convuluted. merge. processed and mulled over. I guess our working memory either is or is next door to the "chalkboard" where all the chewing occurs.

The aim of meditation seems to be to empty the chalkboard/working memory. A blank slate. A blissful empty canvas. It is nature's abhorrence of a vacuum that makes our mind fill that space the second it empties. Meditation is hard becuase we are supressing our mind's desire to fill the gap.

Blah, I am lazy

I am so lazy today. Finally have a few job interviews. I had to tell them I'd work in two weeks, they wouldn't have to pay me to relocate, and I work cheap. At least they called.

I have decided when I go down to visit Austin, I will go to the one place I really wanted to work, and I will take 200 copies of my resume with me. Then I will put it on every car in the parking lot. Then I will strip down butt naked, Write the name of the company all over my body in permenant marker and tape as many copies of my resume as I can to the building windows....until the police show up of course. I also considered getting the name of the company tatooed across my back, stomach and both my legs.. I would have been a dedicated employee.

In a very scary way.

At least one interview is with a temp adjency in the area and some positions are with the company so perhaps it might work out okay in the end.


uggg. gruuuu. blugggggg. I do not want to work today. I am so lazy.

Funny, reading the myersbriggs description had me and my pal in tears. It is so accurate. I seriously can't stick to one topic before I bubble over into something else. am exceptionally random, Like a random number generator a physics or math guy would use in a computer program. It just randomly comes up with the next number. I am a random idea generator. I am alittle NF girl lost in an NT world. If I go to law school they'll just be a bunch more little NTers to drive me bonkers. I have decided I want to be at the first percentile of my law school class. We figured that you can't be at the zeroth percentile, so theoretically the first percentile ispossible. And you know it almost sounds good at first glance "the first percentile". I don't know if law school GPA matters much, but by the time I get there I will be a wrinkled up old prune with half a brain left compared to the cute little ones, so hey the first percentile isn't such a bad deal. What do they call the med student who was last in his med school class? Dr.

myersbriggs personality type

ENFP

"The Champions"

Extraverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving

General:
ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people, who see everyone and everything as part of an often bizarre cosmic whole. They want to both help (at
least, their own definition of "help") and be liked and admired by other people, on both an individual and a humanitarian level. They are interested in new
ideas on principle, but ultimately discard most of them for one reason or another.

For ENFPs nothing occurs which does not have some significance, and they have an uncanny sense of the motivations of others. This gives them a talent for
seeing life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil. ENFPs strive for toward the authentic, even when acting spontaneously,
and this intent is usually communicated nonverbally to others, who find this characteristic attractive. ENFPs, however, find their own efforts of authenticity
and spontaneity always lacking, and tend to heap coals of fire on themselves, always berating themselves for being so conscious of self.

Social/Personal Relationships:
ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to the more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality. They are outgoing, fun, and
genuinely like people. As they are warm, affectionate, and disconcertingly spontaneous. However, attention span in relationships can be short; ENFPs are
easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting about the older ones for long stretches at a time. Less mature ENFPs may need to
feel they are the center of attention all the time, to reassure them that everyone thinks they're a wonderful and fascinating person.

ENFPs often have strong, if unconvential, convictions on various issues related to their Cosmic View. They usually try to use their social skills and contacts to
persuade people gently of the rightness of these views; this sometimes results in their neglecting their nearest and dearest while flitting around trying to save
the world.

Because they tend to be hypersensitive and hyperalert, they may suffer from muscle tension. They live in readiness for emergencies, because they have this
facility, they assume this is true for others. They can become bored rather quickly with both situations and people, and resist repeating experiences. They
enjoy the process of creating something - an idea or a project - but are not as interested in the follow-through. They are typically enthusiastic, and this is
contagious. People get caught up and entranced by an ENFP. While ENFPs resist the notion of others becoming dependent or having power over them, their
charisma draws followers who wish to be "shown the way". ENFPs constantly find themselves surrounded by others who look toward the ENFP for wisdom,
inspiration, courage, leadership, and so on - an expectancy which, at times, weighs rather heavily on an ENFP.

ENFPs are characteristically optimistic and are surprised when people or evnts do not turn out as anticipated. Often their confidence in the innate goodness of
fate and human nature is a self-fulfilling prophesy.

ENFPs are friendly folks. Most are really enjoyable people. Some of the most soft-hearted people are ENFPs.

ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch
and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Sometimes they may even appear intoxicated when the
"switch" is flipped.

Work Environment:
ENFPs are pleasant, easygoing, and usually fun to work with. They come up with great ideas, and are a major asset in brainstorming sessions. Follow through
tends to be a problem, however; they tend to get bored quickly, especially if a newer, more interesting project comes along. They also tend to be
procrastinators, both about meeting hard deadlines and about performing any small, uninteresting tasks that they've been assigned. ENFPs are at their most
useful when working in a group with a J or two to take up the slack.

ENFPs hate bureaucracy, both in principle and in practice; they will always make a point of launching one of their crusades against some aspect of it.

ENFPs have a remarkable latitude in career choices and succeed in many fields. As workers, they are warmly enthusiastic, high-spirited, ingenious,
imaginative, and can do almost anything that interests them. They can solve most problems, particularly those that deal with people They are charming and at
ease with with colleagues; others enjoy their presence. ENFPs are outstanding in getting people together, and are good at initiating meetings and conferences,
although not as talented at providing for the operational details of these events. Once projects or peoplel become routine, ENFPs are likely to lose interest;
what might be is always more fascinating that what is.

ENFPs make excellent salespeople, advertising people, politicians, screen or play writers, and in general are attracted to the interpretive arts, particularly
character acting. One study has shown that ENFPs are significantly overrepresented in psychodrama. Most have a natural propensity for role-playing and
acting.

People-to-people work is essential for ENFPs, who need the feedback of interaction with others. ENFPs may find it difficult to work within the constraints
of an institution, especially in following rules, regulations, and standard operating procedures. More frequently, institutional procedures and policies are
targets to be challenged and bent by the will of an ENFP. At times, ENFPs demonstrate impatience with others; they may get into difficulty in an
organization by siding with its detractors, who find in an ENFP a sympathetic ear and a natural rescuer. In occupational choices, ENFPs quickly become
restless if the choice involves painstaking detail and follow-through over a period of time. Variety in day-to-day operations and interactions best suits the
talents of ENFPs, who need quite a bit of latitude in which to exercise their adaptive ingenuity.

ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that
if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I'll just tell him.

ENFPs are global learners. Close enough is satisfactory to the ENFP, which may unnerve more precise thinking types, especially with such things as piano
practice ("three quarter notes or four ... what's the difference?") Amazingly, some ENFPs are adept at exacting disciplines such as mathematics.

Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, more so even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less
caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone , especially on a regular basis.

ENFPs sometimes can be blindsided by their secondary Feeling function. Hasty decisions based on deeply felt values may boil over with unpredictable results.
More than one ENFP has abruptly quit a job in such a moment.

Extraverted iNtuition
The physical world, both geos and kosmos, is the ENFP's primary source of information. Rather than sensing things as they are, dominant intuition is
sensitive to things as they might be. These extraverted intuitives are most adept with patterns and connections. Their natural inclination is toward
relationships, especially among people or living things.

ENFPs consider intense emotional experiences vital; when they have these, however, they are made uneasy by a sense of being there but with a part of
themselves split off. They strive for congruency, but always seem themselves in some danger of losing touch wiht their real feelings, which ENFPs possess in
a wide range and variety.

ENFP Family Life
As mates, ENFPs tend to be charming, gentle, sympathetic, and nonconformist. They are not likely to be interested in the less-inspired routines of daily
maintenance and ever will be seeking new outlets for their inspirations. As parents, ENFPs are devoted although somewhat unpredictable in handling their
children, shifting from role of friend-in-need-rescuer to stern authority figure. They may not always be willing to enforce their impulsive pronouncements,
but leave it to their mates to follow through. A mate of an ENFP can expect charming surprises: extravagent generosity punctuated by periods of frugality.
Independent actions regarding money on the part of an ENFP's mate are not ordinarily welcomed, and the mate may find him or herself in an embarrassing
situation of having to return purchases. ENFPs generally are the ones in charge of the home, and a conflict-free home is desired, almost demanded.