I am made up of two pieces. One is Fi induced pain and suffering. The other is Te induced responsibility and self criticism.

Yesterday was so beautiful. I can remember why, from yesterday, that it would be impolite to burden others with my pain. It was so beautiful to feel no internal pain and instead be able to focus on the happiness and beauty of the other. However today that went away.

Back to the normal pain. Today I wish I could die. I wish I could walk into the ocean and swim until my arms give out and then just drown. Just to give up and not feel the internal pain anymore would be so beautiful. The ocean would surround me and hold me and I would inhale it and feel pain, but it would be self limiting. This pain does not seem to end.

I of course wouldn't do that. It is just a whim as it will gone tomorrow. I have my kids to be responsible for and bills to pay and things to check off my list. Te always wins in the end.

How I wish I either did not exist or was someone else.