Last night I dreamed my dumpling fell in the water. We had been swimming and he suddenly wasn't above the water anymore. I dove under and found where the water dropped off. He was there trying to grab my hand. I pulled him up but he was unconscious and not breathing. I calmly put him on the ground and begain breathing into his mouth to try and revive him. Dribbles of water poured out of his mouth and he coughed and then was okay again.
It reminds me of a very similiar dream awhile back, with a purple goo ocean instead of water. I was standing waist deep in it with drowning children all around. I was methodically plucking the babies out of the goo and reviving them then passing them off to someone on shore.
I think it is my way of controlling the things that I fear. I am worried about a lot of things in my life-I endlessly try and plan how to take care of them. The water is always my 'fear' and I guess in my dreams I get some practice controlling it by saving the children from it.
I am going to start some modeling for a guy who advertised in the paper. Mostly nude but tasteful work from his portfolio. It doesn't pay really well but a bit of extra cash would be really useful. It will be fun too I think. I really thought my husband would protest more, but he seems to think it is fine. I believe inside his fairly animal male brain, that the fact that his wife is modeling reaffirms social hierchy in a wierd way. A beautiful mate makes him a stronger more desirable, worthy man. The fact that someone would want to photograph his wife reffirms the fact that others think she is beautiful outside of himself. By saying-my wife is modelling-it submits all types of odd social messages. In reality I think the photographer will pretty much take photos of anybody willing to pose for him. He did ask me if I have any corsets though... corsets are kinda cute.
Started yoga seriously again. It does such amazing things to my posture after just one session. By making my back ache, it reminds me that the muscles that give me good posture are there. Throughout the day I find myself engaging the muscles there and making my posture better as to not slump so much. My mom has an extra vertebra in the region where they connect to your ribs. I would guess this means she has an extra set of ribs as well. Not nearly as uncommon as you'd think. I am built almost identically to her so likely I have one extra as well. Makes stregthening my back really important as with an extra vertebra you introduce lots of weakness.
Trying to meditate as well everyday. I am also reading more about Kashmir shavism as it is enlighteneing but complicated. Found an interesting blog sight where lots of hinduism in discussed. It makes me reflect on what I have learned and as always readapt and rethink.
My project at work finally started working. Two years and something finally worked. The day after I find out I am getting another job likely, I find out the project might actually go somewhere from here. Likely I'll get an authorship but it just the success at last that is so satisfying. I in no way want to stay and finish my Ph.D. but it makes me feel good about my efforts.
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Friday, July 09, 2004
employment is heavenly
I may actually have a job! Perhaps. I'll have to see in a day or so.
Funny stuff my kid has said
If the four horseman come, he wants to be on thier side. His dad will be the fifth horseman.
He compared childbirth to getting your neck chopped into with an axe-blood everywhere.
He tried to be a lawyer for his friend at school and give him legal advice on how to avoid getting into trouble.
Buddhism is not right. He is going to worship video games. He knows that he doesn't know that, he doesn't know that, he doesn't know that buddhism is not right.
He bulit an amzing gun out of bathroom trash while I was on the phone. Toilet role tubes, paper towels and used tampon applicators he dug out of the trash.
Insisted that buddhists like hip hop music and that I am a buddhist. Said buddhists are actually buttists and like butts a lot and are all from India.
Once when smal he stuck an entire frozen package of guacamole into the vcr slot then tried to use a spatula to retrieve it. He finally says mom "I can't get the vcr to work" I wonder why.
On another occasion my 3" floppy drive was not working on my computer-it said my administrative assistant was not allowing me access to the drive. It turns out my "administrative assistant had inserted my driver's license into the drive
Funny stuff my kid has said
If the four horseman come, he wants to be on thier side. His dad will be the fifth horseman.
He compared childbirth to getting your neck chopped into with an axe-blood everywhere.
He tried to be a lawyer for his friend at school and give him legal advice on how to avoid getting into trouble.
Buddhism is not right. He is going to worship video games. He knows that he doesn't know that, he doesn't know that, he doesn't know that buddhism is not right.
He bulit an amzing gun out of bathroom trash while I was on the phone. Toilet role tubes, paper towels and used tampon applicators he dug out of the trash.
Insisted that buddhists like hip hop music and that I am a buddhist. Said buddhists are actually buttists and like butts a lot and are all from India.
Once when smal he stuck an entire frozen package of guacamole into the vcr slot then tried to use a spatula to retrieve it. He finally says mom "I can't get the vcr to work" I wonder why.
On another occasion my 3" floppy drive was not working on my computer-it said my administrative assistant was not allowing me access to the drive. It turns out my "administrative assistant had inserted my driver's license into the drive
Monday, July 05, 2004
the tomato forrest
My tomatoes have taken over a portion of the front yard. I planted them in tires placed out in the grass so I didn't have to dig up more grass. At the time they seemed so little. They are all almost four and a half feet tall now. The grape tomatoes and yellow pears will be ripe in a couple of weeks. In a month I'll have german striped ones and purple plum ones and I think some of the green and yellow zebra striped ones as well. The cucumbers are also huge, growing out of a wheelbarrow, with squash, strawberries and red and white wave petunias. My house looks like a crazy person's. Not that I am at all crazy. I am perfectly normal. Totally. Really.
I mowed the lawn with my little electric grass fondler today. My husband came home and wanted to know if I had missed the patches of clover and little weed flowers on purpose. Of course. I have this one patch in the back where I let the little purple fey flowers grow up. Whatever plant that is has basically taken over there and now I have groundcover rather than a lawn. My poor landlord. He is such a nice little greek man. My neighboe kindly offered to cut down the overgrowth that is on the fenceline for me. I laughed and told him I was letting it grow for the flowers. I offered to cut it if it was bugging him but he didn't seem to care too much. He has four broken down cars in his front yard. I don't think my flowers matter too much.
Dumpling is with his grandparents for the next couple of weeks. It gives me lots of time to do whatever it is that people without kids do with thier time. I guess I'll figure it out as I go. Lots of reading, posting in my blog and job hunting mostly. Also the evr present yardwork which seems to be a framework for my life. I have been running a bit more as well. Made it up to ten miles on Friday, then six yesterday. I could keep going but tendonitus in my hip acts up a bit and lets me know I need to cool it. It is amazing though cause I am not out of breath, or feeling any muscular pain at all. I could really keep going for quite awhile. It is my summer time mania kicking in. The longer days give me extra energy, just like the shorter ones take it away. I can't wait to get back into a more southern location. This place is too damned cloudy!
Trying to meditate more. It is tough as I am a pretty lazy pig :)) It is easier to go run ten miles than to sit still and be without thought for twenty seconds. If I could try and be mindful while I run it might be okay, but my thoughts are like the wind. I get such a high and come up with such neat stories and fantasies while I run. It makes me happy.
Trying to read more about shiva and such. New learned thing-consciousness in the shiva thought is not quite the same thing as the english translation. It is cit in sanskrit. This means sort of oneness. I'll find and write down what the translater said he thought it was closest to.
Told my husband I am actually hindu. He thought I was a buddhist. He lives in his owm little world sometimes-okay mostly in his own world. We love each other so much but really talk so little about anything. I am actually happy this way. I come up with my own ideas and act upon them. It leaves me being very private and protective of my internal feelings and emotions, as I don't really think he could deal with what I really am like. He sort of knows and lets me run rampant with my excessive, insane yardwork, christmas scuptures, statues all over the house and wierd craft ideas. As long as it doesn't mess too much with what he likes to do, he doesn't really care and is supportive. When we actually try to talk about politics, religion, raising kids or anything at all contreversial we often argue. I feel the need to think in depth and he is a lazy thinker with very set ideas about is right. So we just talk about that stuff at all unless we ne3ed to. We end up being good roomates who have sex alot-good yummy cuddly sex-raise our kid the best we can and do what we can to make each other happy. He does really silly things like take in the groceries for me and carry the fishwater to the fishbowl and I love him so much because he takes the time to care enought to help me. My liberal friends think he is a total ass, but I think we have a really great committed working relationship. They want a guy who fits some book ideal of perfect. My guy is a total nut at times but we make for a good match I guess.
Alright I am going running! Too much energy!!! Ahhhhhh, runn runn runnnnn
I mowed the lawn with my little electric grass fondler today. My husband came home and wanted to know if I had missed the patches of clover and little weed flowers on purpose. Of course. I have this one patch in the back where I let the little purple fey flowers grow up. Whatever plant that is has basically taken over there and now I have groundcover rather than a lawn. My poor landlord. He is such a nice little greek man. My neighboe kindly offered to cut down the overgrowth that is on the fenceline for me. I laughed and told him I was letting it grow for the flowers. I offered to cut it if it was bugging him but he didn't seem to care too much. He has four broken down cars in his front yard. I don't think my flowers matter too much.
Dumpling is with his grandparents for the next couple of weeks. It gives me lots of time to do whatever it is that people without kids do with thier time. I guess I'll figure it out as I go. Lots of reading, posting in my blog and job hunting mostly. Also the evr present yardwork which seems to be a framework for my life. I have been running a bit more as well. Made it up to ten miles on Friday, then six yesterday. I could keep going but tendonitus in my hip acts up a bit and lets me know I need to cool it. It is amazing though cause I am not out of breath, or feeling any muscular pain at all. I could really keep going for quite awhile. It is my summer time mania kicking in. The longer days give me extra energy, just like the shorter ones take it away. I can't wait to get back into a more southern location. This place is too damned cloudy!
Trying to meditate more. It is tough as I am a pretty lazy pig :)) It is easier to go run ten miles than to sit still and be without thought for twenty seconds. If I could try and be mindful while I run it might be okay, but my thoughts are like the wind. I get such a high and come up with such neat stories and fantasies while I run. It makes me happy.
Trying to read more about shiva and such. New learned thing-consciousness in the shiva thought is not quite the same thing as the english translation. It is cit in sanskrit. This means sort of oneness. I'll find and write down what the translater said he thought it was closest to.
Told my husband I am actually hindu. He thought I was a buddhist. He lives in his owm little world sometimes-okay mostly in his own world. We love each other so much but really talk so little about anything. I am actually happy this way. I come up with my own ideas and act upon them. It leaves me being very private and protective of my internal feelings and emotions, as I don't really think he could deal with what I really am like. He sort of knows and lets me run rampant with my excessive, insane yardwork, christmas scuptures, statues all over the house and wierd craft ideas. As long as it doesn't mess too much with what he likes to do, he doesn't really care and is supportive. When we actually try to talk about politics, religion, raising kids or anything at all contreversial we often argue. I feel the need to think in depth and he is a lazy thinker with very set ideas about is right. So we just talk about that stuff at all unless we ne3ed to. We end up being good roomates who have sex alot-good yummy cuddly sex-raise our kid the best we can and do what we can to make each other happy. He does really silly things like take in the groceries for me and carry the fishwater to the fishbowl and I love him so much because he takes the time to care enought to help me. My liberal friends think he is a total ass, but I think we have a really great committed working relationship. They want a guy who fits some book ideal of perfect. My guy is a total nut at times but we make for a good match I guess.
Alright I am going running! Too much energy!!! Ahhhhhh, runn runn runnnnn
Friday, July 02, 2004
so sick
Oh, I fell yucky. I keep running a fever and getting all sweaty. My stomach hurts and all the antacid in the world isn't helping. Last night I couldn't sleep very well as I kept having these stupid repetitive nightmares about stupid things like mispelling words. Ugggghhhhh.
Ibuprofin helps for awhile. I took some yesterday and felt better then went running. I ran close to ten miles and felt fantastic. About two hours later the yucky feeling hit and I realized I must have been running on borrowed drug induced energy. It was great-I felt so energized and glowingly happy. I think this summer, when I am feeling a bit better I am going to plan my own personal marathon. I have a six mile route but I would like to expand it to a 24 mile circle-along roads and such so if I drop down into a coma at least they'll find me at some point!
Read a book about the origins of the devil. Turns out the "devil" figure was invented in zoastorism about 600 BC but that the personal "original sin" and damnation of your soul without intervention from the priests was actually a sumerian (babylonian) invention. All the guilt and fire and brimstone seems to trace from those guys. Originally they were indoeuropean so why they jumped the gun and got all angry seems to have to do with the desire of the kings to be absolute rulers. In such an enviornment that means anyone else outside the king was nothing but garbage. To maintain powere it is essential that to be "saved" you have to please the diety-ruler. These guys make the catholics look lighthearted with all the ceremony, confessions, guilt, and need for forgiveness for little trespasses they had to endure. Don't quite get it all. Will have to read again later at a less sick point. Many things I want to write about but I need a nap first.
Ibuprofin helps for awhile. I took some yesterday and felt better then went running. I ran close to ten miles and felt fantastic. About two hours later the yucky feeling hit and I realized I must have been running on borrowed drug induced energy. It was great-I felt so energized and glowingly happy. I think this summer, when I am feeling a bit better I am going to plan my own personal marathon. I have a six mile route but I would like to expand it to a 24 mile circle-along roads and such so if I drop down into a coma at least they'll find me at some point!
Read a book about the origins of the devil. Turns out the "devil" figure was invented in zoastorism about 600 BC but that the personal "original sin" and damnation of your soul without intervention from the priests was actually a sumerian (babylonian) invention. All the guilt and fire and brimstone seems to trace from those guys. Originally they were indoeuropean so why they jumped the gun and got all angry seems to have to do with the desire of the kings to be absolute rulers. In such an enviornment that means anyone else outside the king was nothing but garbage. To maintain powere it is essential that to be "saved" you have to please the diety-ruler. These guys make the catholics look lighthearted with all the ceremony, confessions, guilt, and need for forgiveness for little trespasses they had to endure. Don't quite get it all. Will have to read again later at a less sick point. Many things I want to write about but I need a nap first.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
the nature of punishment
Should all people receive the same punishment for the same crime?
Did previous cultures hold all members of society to the same standards?
How do you account for the effects mental illness or personality have upon the likelihood of committing a crime?
Is it fair to punish someone becuase thier innate biology wires them to respond in an manner that society considers incorrect? (God-judeocristian seems to think so)
How would you implement understanding of the fact that different people are different ?
At what level does a biological difference truely begin to impair judgement to an extent that a person should be awarded a differential punishment?
Logic applies easily when a group of things are identical or easily classified. Of course if they are equal, then the all receive the same treatment. How do you (or do you) modify logic to account for the fact that your group is actually nonhomogeneous?
Will there eventually be a way to quantify personality on a genetic basis, with the understanding that it is niether wrong or right, but rather just different?
How do you teach others to embrace the things that make them different and make others different as gifts or talents rather than abnormalities?
As a society are we moving towards greater or less homogenaity on a personal level?
How do the three families that the "boy book" discusses play a role in how homogeneuos our population is?
Would it be good to identify/type persons at a young age so that as they grow, thier specific personality needs could be better accommadated?
How do you keep this typing from becoming Gattacca or big brother?
What is the point of punishment?
Does retribution really work to prevent future recidivism?
How promptly and painful must the punishment be to render the desired mental lesson?
Is it better, sometimes, to structure punishment as a lesson or as service to others? Does community service really teach anyone anything?
Last night I dreamed I had to go to a little jewish village where my sister bought the most delicious bread, because I was the only one who could save them from the demons invading the town. The demons looked like normal people. I beat the crap out of this little old demon woman. Before that dream I was waiting tables again. I was doing okay till John the bartender got behind on one of my drink orders. He is so tempermental and I didn't want to leave without the drink. When I got back to my section all the tables were rearranged and they were all looking at me in need of various items. I haven't waited tables in six damn years.
Did previous cultures hold all members of society to the same standards?
How do you account for the effects mental illness or personality have upon the likelihood of committing a crime?
Is it fair to punish someone becuase thier innate biology wires them to respond in an manner that society considers incorrect? (God-judeocristian seems to think so)
How would you implement understanding of the fact that different people are different ?
At what level does a biological difference truely begin to impair judgement to an extent that a person should be awarded a differential punishment?
Logic applies easily when a group of things are identical or easily classified. Of course if they are equal, then the all receive the same treatment. How do you (or do you) modify logic to account for the fact that your group is actually nonhomogeneous?
Will there eventually be a way to quantify personality on a genetic basis, with the understanding that it is niether wrong or right, but rather just different?
How do you teach others to embrace the things that make them different and make others different as gifts or talents rather than abnormalities?
As a society are we moving towards greater or less homogenaity on a personal level?
How do the three families that the "boy book" discusses play a role in how homogeneuos our population is?
Would it be good to identify/type persons at a young age so that as they grow, thier specific personality needs could be better accommadated?
How do you keep this typing from becoming Gattacca or big brother?
What is the point of punishment?
Does retribution really work to prevent future recidivism?
How promptly and painful must the punishment be to render the desired mental lesson?
Is it better, sometimes, to structure punishment as a lesson or as service to others? Does community service really teach anyone anything?
Last night I dreamed I had to go to a little jewish village where my sister bought the most delicious bread, because I was the only one who could save them from the demons invading the town. The demons looked like normal people. I beat the crap out of this little old demon woman. Before that dream I was waiting tables again. I was doing okay till John the bartender got behind on one of my drink orders. He is so tempermental and I didn't want to leave without the drink. When I got back to my section all the tables were rearranged and they were all looking at me in need of various items. I haven't waited tables in six damn years.
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