Dumplings project went to the regional science fair. It really bugged me that they gave out awards rather than just letting the kids present and all get a ribbon. Ike got a second but I am really disturbed by the whole thing. As a cranky parent I have to say that the awards were placed according mostly to presentation not originality or actual scientific thought. Ike's was really messy cause he did it himself and I let him cut and glue like a maniac. We also spray painted the whole thing gold so I cant say most the TJs in the world can appreciate that. It was really screwed up as there were maybe 50% firsts, 40% seconds and 10% thirds. What does that tell the kid who got the third place. It is one thing to have one first place-only one kid out of fifty gets it. It is a whole other thing to have three thrid places out of fifty. Basically they are telling you your prject sucked ass. again it seemed that the third place really was just a matter of pretty presentation rather than truely bad ideas. Maybe I'll write somebody an angry letter.
I have been so depressed and irritable the last few days. Crabby , crabby. Meds help a little but I don't like to take them. I am also super sensitive to rejection due to being moody. I read a blog I like and I emailed the lady a question which she didnt answer. I am sure she is very busy and just overlooked answering it or didn't have time to, however I go and get my feelings hurt. Then I want to crawl under a little space between the stairs and hide from the world. It is so funny to be so old and still care what other people think. I ignore all the Ss in life but when I make overtures of friendship to the Ns and get rebuffed as being a wierdo it makes me kinda sad. How do you not be a wierdo? S at work said the popular people have Nerdar that kicks in when we walk in the room. Not only am I a big dork but I just get so intense about things sometime. When I do something I guess I go over the edge and look like a psycho. I luagh louder, talk louder, feel more, am more sensitive. When I play, I play harder. Then people think I am wierd. A friend had me reading Ananis Nin and she seems a bit more nuts than I could ever hope for so I guess I am in okay territory.
Part of growing older seems to be a self realization of sorts where you become detached from others around you to find your true self. Unfortunatly I spent most of the early years detached because I couldn't unerstand how to interact with others. Now I interact but not always appropriatly. I find myself wanting to detach but I question if its for the right reason. Am I hiding from other people because I screw up whenever I am around or is it really a step in spiritual growth?
The science fair today had me really back on the idea od pride and why we feel it. How many people in the room really understand why thet are overcome with so much pride when thier little one does something good or so sad when someone slights thier little one. If my little one does good things it enhances his and my social status in my tribe and we get more of the food bounty and better mates. The greater his accomplishments the better position he achieves in a social hiarchy. I then feel a little ashamed of feeling a bunch of pride . I try and temper my pride and instaed support his growth in positive directions. He is very emapthic and loving so I guess I am doing something right.
