I got my proofs from the photographer yesterday. Some of them were really neat-several very abstract shots of my torso-no legs or head just torso. Also several of my back and front but without much face. It was the ones with my face in them that freaked me out. I swear my head looks like a big square brick. I don't think its possibly to have a bigger fatter head. I look like a weightlifter or something. Plus seeing my face in mirror imgae is always odd. I guess everyone goes through that but not with a brick for a head.
My mom in law always tells me that I could be a model-well a real model -not just figure studies. At least some portion of the male population thinks I am attractive as well. It seems to be a hit or miss thing. Either I am not at all interesting to them or they stare a bit obsessively. Foreign guys love me. Guys in my high school wouldn't ask me out. Then however they voted me the best looking girl in our class. How does this happen? I have few to no dates all of high school, yet it turns out somebody thought I was pretty. I was so pissed too. Not "most likely to succeed, or smartest, or sweetest" no I was the good looking one. It bugged me as looks take no effort. You are born a certain way and there isn't a lot you can do to change that. Inside of you is very different. You grow and change and if no one ever looks past your face, they miss what you really are-the important stuff. All they ever saw was the outside of me. They never saw what I was like on the inside. With a brick for a head too.
It is the native american heritage coming through. I am somewhere around 1/64 to 1/128 native american, uncertainties arising due to anglo surnames being given to pure or half indian children. You'd think this'd leave me looking like a plain old white person, but we can't seem to lose the chin in the family-well the face in general. My son looks just like me, with his dad's eye color (and his aunt's backhair). I look like my mom but actually more like my grandmom. My mom looks a bit morelike my GGmom. We all favor my GGGmom as to the face and eyes. Her mom is in the same picture but there is the jaw. The picture is her with her ten daughters and her poor beaten down husband. The girls are all in thier twenties or thirties. One of them might be lacking the jaw. Her face is more triangular. The rest of them have the brick head appearence. Most of them are prettier than me as they tend to have higher eyebrows and more open eyes. Mine are lowset and I seem to look sleepy in all the pictures I take-seriously drugged sleepy.
The strangest thing is that I think I forget what I look like sometimes. When I was very small, in my mind when I pictured myself, I was pale with long straight red hair that I wore in a ponytail. My favorite barbie looked like that and I thought it looked like me. One day I realized that I look nothing like my mental image. It was sort of a shock and was so sad as I didn't think I looked very pretty the way I was. That was when I was four or five. Now I think they same thing happens sometimes. I tend to equate my appearence with TV maybe. I see the avarage brunette on TV and I guess I morph my mental picture of myself sort of onto that. Then I actually see myself and am put off by it as I don't look the way I think I look. It isn't bad or anyhting just very different from what I expected. The way my body looks is very reasonable because I see it all the time, but my head catches me by suprise now and then. As strange as it seems that is the most interesting part of the photos is seeing what I really look like. What do I look like when I am not peeking at myself in a mirror. What is it that other people see. It isn't what the perfect model on TV or magazines looks like. It is very different and that really bugs me. I have to force myself to look at each picture for awhile to get over that initial yuck feeling.
The funniest thingis that I think most models are so damned boring looking. Scrawny, steroetyped faces with too much makeup. I can't tell brittney spears , cristina aulara, and that jessica simpson girl apart or madonna for that matter.m They are just generic blondes. They all blend together and nothing about them makes me want to look again. I claim to think thet angelina jolei is beautiful but sometimes she blends as well. The pretty red head om "pretty woman" is different. Her features are so beautiful and her smile is so full of joy.
So what I wonder-my husband very often comments that this girl is fat and ugly or that girl is nasty looking. I don't see what he is talking about as I think they are jsut normal people. Do we Americans all have this problem of thinking we should look like something from TV? Do we get such high expectations of ourselves and our mates appearences from it? What did pretty mean when you lived in a small village all your life? What would the world be like if there were no mirrors to stare into? The people I find most interesting are the ones who have something really interesting about them that catches my eye and makes me want to look again. Even if that something is a long straight distinctive nose or eyes that may be a bit bugged out but make that person look very unusual. Will our culture ever get tired of what the TV tells us we should like and instead develop individual tastes? My husband is my little miner's canary of what the avarage person (a doer not a thinker) is thinking. He seems to indicate that he likes the steoreotypes look. (He also thinks Kerry will win the election)
Well my brick shaped head is weighing heavily on my neck and my tummy is demanding food.
More thoughts:
stick figures
prostitution
