Where did my I hate scientists post go?
I guess it wasn't meant to be. I ranted about how obstinate all of them are and it seems I didn't save it. I don't really hate them after all I guess.
Things to think about: boys vs. girls, tomatoes, siva, types of meditation, patterns
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Water dreams
when I was small:
1. My dag was traPPED IN THE BOTTOM OF A 55 GALLON DRUM covered with water.I could see her but my arms were too short to reach her.
2. My grandmother was trapped in a puddle of water with a piece of metal netting over her. I could see her hands but nothing else. I knew it was her becuase she had on her copper bracelets.
3. My brother had fallen into a crack in the drainage ditch we always walked home from school in. I could see his hands reaching up from the bottom of the crack under wtare but every other part of him was stuck underneath the concrete.
As of late:
A dream about living on an island-hawii like but nightmarish. We had been conquered by outsiders and rather than give up I had decided to die. I jumped in the water and the currents pulled me away from the shore and down into the depths. While I was afraid I was also embraced by the water. It was so strong around me, comforting me while I was sorrowful.
I was visiting a camp of some sort and the children had gotton too close to the water and fallen in. I grew to be very large(tree size) and reached down and plucked them out. I also made the water go away and as it receeded there were the most amazing creatures hiding under it. They were brightly colored and monsterous but not scary as they rightfully belonged in the water and we were invading thier space.
Almost all my dreams have water located in the proximity-an ocean with strong, yet lulled waves, a calm green pond, Sometimes I have to lull the waves to make them calm down or make them stay away from the "dream space"
1. My dag was traPPED IN THE BOTTOM OF A 55 GALLON DRUM covered with water.I could see her but my arms were too short to reach her.
2. My grandmother was trapped in a puddle of water with a piece of metal netting over her. I could see her hands but nothing else. I knew it was her becuase she had on her copper bracelets.
3. My brother had fallen into a crack in the drainage ditch we always walked home from school in. I could see his hands reaching up from the bottom of the crack under wtare but every other part of him was stuck underneath the concrete.
As of late:
A dream about living on an island-hawii like but nightmarish. We had been conquered by outsiders and rather than give up I had decided to die. I jumped in the water and the currents pulled me away from the shore and down into the depths. While I was afraid I was also embraced by the water. It was so strong around me, comforting me while I was sorrowful.
I was visiting a camp of some sort and the children had gotton too close to the water and fallen in. I grew to be very large(tree size) and reached down and plucked them out. I also made the water go away and as it receeded there were the most amazing creatures hiding under it. They were brightly colored and monsterous but not scary as they rightfully belonged in the water and we were invading thier space.
Almost all my dreams have water located in the proximity-an ocean with strong, yet lulled waves, a calm green pond, Sometimes I have to lull the waves to make them calm down or make them stay away from the "dream space"
Monday, June 28, 2004
a water dream
I dreamed as always of the water. The water was surrounding our house and we had all ran to the top floor to escape it. I was in control because I could protect my family. Common sense and rational thought are what is needed in a time of crisis.
I left them and was running away from a man who was chasing me. I wasn't really afraid because he couldn't hurt me. Since I started taking martial arts, people in my dreams don't frighten me anymore. Anger yes, but fear no.
I ran away from him down a long road. I had left the flooded area and my family safe behind. As I ran ahead I saw the ocean. I stopped by the edge and turned to face the man. I sort of stepped out of the dream at this point a bit miffed as I always dream about water. I asked him point blank "Why do I dream about water all the time?" He told me that I dream about water because I am afraid of it and that I like what I fear. That I like to be afraid.
He took my hand and we began to have sex at that point on the gray, gritty beach. Then the alarm went off, which sucked as dream sex is alwasy entertaining even if it is gritty beach dream sex.
Anytime anything tramatic happens to me I dream about it and I very often remember my dreams. After the fire I dreamed of fields on fire. Now when I dream of fire, I put it out with my mind. Whole fields will be ablaze and they just sputter out. After the tornados, I dream about being surrounded by tornados. Seriously, hundreds of them. In my dream we all go sit in the basement and watch them all go by. In another dream they went by in lines circumventing my house because I didn't want them there. After 9/11 I dreamed of planes just falling out of the sky at random. I mean it the damn things were like rain. Now I catch them and help them land smoothly. They sometimes fill in the background of my dreams but they don't crash anymore.
Water is all that's left. In almost every dream I have it is there. I am not really afraid but rather mistrusting and wary of it. I can control it some but the fact that it doesn't go away fascinates me. Sometimes I swim in it-it is so dark and deep and pours over my body engulfing me. It is where I am safe, like a mother's womb. Sometimes I have to save people from it. It is a scary friend that, kinda like the planes, is often in the background of whatever dream I am having. It does scare me.
I left them and was running away from a man who was chasing me. I wasn't really afraid because he couldn't hurt me. Since I started taking martial arts, people in my dreams don't frighten me anymore. Anger yes, but fear no.
I ran away from him down a long road. I had left the flooded area and my family safe behind. As I ran ahead I saw the ocean. I stopped by the edge and turned to face the man. I sort of stepped out of the dream at this point a bit miffed as I always dream about water. I asked him point blank "Why do I dream about water all the time?" He told me that I dream about water because I am afraid of it and that I like what I fear. That I like to be afraid.
He took my hand and we began to have sex at that point on the gray, gritty beach. Then the alarm went off, which sucked as dream sex is alwasy entertaining even if it is gritty beach dream sex.
Anytime anything tramatic happens to me I dream about it and I very often remember my dreams. After the fire I dreamed of fields on fire. Now when I dream of fire, I put it out with my mind. Whole fields will be ablaze and they just sputter out. After the tornados, I dream about being surrounded by tornados. Seriously, hundreds of them. In my dream we all go sit in the basement and watch them all go by. In another dream they went by in lines circumventing my house because I didn't want them there. After 9/11 I dreamed of planes just falling out of the sky at random. I mean it the damn things were like rain. Now I catch them and help them land smoothly. They sometimes fill in the background of my dreams but they don't crash anymore.
Water is all that's left. In almost every dream I have it is there. I am not really afraid but rather mistrusting and wary of it. I can control it some but the fact that it doesn't go away fascinates me. Sometimes I swim in it-it is so dark and deep and pours over my body engulfing me. It is where I am safe, like a mother's womb. Sometimes I have to save people from it. It is a scary friend that, kinda like the planes, is often in the background of whatever dream I am having. It does scare me.
continued
What is the point of supressing all the fluff and noise our minds constantly spew? It seems that either through prayer or meditation, this supression has been pointed out again and again as a way to become something more or realize something more than what we are.
Better even, where does all this noise come from in the first place? In an ADD mind the noise is louder and faster, manic in intensity. However it also seems to be a wellspring of creativity and an amazing aid to brainstorming. Being an ADD mind, when I take meds, the flow is eased and a quiet takes over. It becomes more difficult to be the random idea generator. Brainstorming and random creativity are supressed while at hand task awareness is enhanced. Global understanding is more difficult whereas step by step processes become much more reasonable to perform.
When I don't take meds, patterns fall into place and I come up with entertaining ideas like putting lighted up Shiva in my front yard and building my own lightup raindeer for christmas. I also become much more artistic. Feelings are more important as well.
I am getting to the point(is there a point?) Where, anatomically, is this flow occuring? It seems to be 30s event-perhaps as small as ten s in the ADD population. The chalkboard holds an idea for 30s-or remains blank-then feels the need to switch ideas. The old thought are pushed aside by the new thoughts.
Like a pumping-a heartbeat or a pulsing of neural networks. I need to find out what event in the brain might occur at these intervals. Ahh, brain anatomy all poured out of my head. I need a refresher course.
Thoughts:
Creativity arises from the convolution of these mental flows. The ability to attach them to past memories and recognize patterns subconciously.
Flows are stopped during meditation, deep sleep.
Flows faster in the ADD population-slowed upon stimulant administration.
Shiva, beautiful shiva, I am sorry not to think more about you. I feel your glow when I meditate sometimes or when I walk or sit. My whole body is lit up and I can't not smile. How odd to be in love with god. I wish that you were something tangible to touch and taste. Sometimes I imagine that you sit in front of me or actually inside of me. When I do I can feel the blood rushing through my hands and legs and feel my heart beat. When I think of you, my lips are soft and my cheeks are flushed. how odd.
Better even, where does all this noise come from in the first place? In an ADD mind the noise is louder and faster, manic in intensity. However it also seems to be a wellspring of creativity and an amazing aid to brainstorming. Being an ADD mind, when I take meds, the flow is eased and a quiet takes over. It becomes more difficult to be the random idea generator. Brainstorming and random creativity are supressed while at hand task awareness is enhanced. Global understanding is more difficult whereas step by step processes become much more reasonable to perform.
When I don't take meds, patterns fall into place and I come up with entertaining ideas like putting lighted up Shiva in my front yard and building my own lightup raindeer for christmas. I also become much more artistic. Feelings are more important as well.
I am getting to the point(is there a point?) Where, anatomically, is this flow occuring? It seems to be 30s event-perhaps as small as ten s in the ADD population. The chalkboard holds an idea for 30s-or remains blank-then feels the need to switch ideas. The old thought are pushed aside by the new thoughts.
Like a pumping-a heartbeat or a pulsing of neural networks. I need to find out what event in the brain might occur at these intervals. Ahh, brain anatomy all poured out of my head. I need a refresher course.
Thoughts:
Creativity arises from the convolution of these mental flows. The ability to attach them to past memories and recognize patterns subconciously.
Flows are stopped during meditation, deep sleep.
Flows faster in the ADD population-slowed upon stimulant administration.
Shiva, beautiful shiva, I am sorry not to think more about you. I feel your glow when I meditate sometimes or when I walk or sit. My whole body is lit up and I can't not smile. How odd to be in love with god. I wish that you were something tangible to touch and taste. Sometimes I imagine that you sit in front of me or actually inside of me. When I do I can feel the blood rushing through my hands and legs and feel my heart beat. When I think of you, my lips are soft and my cheeks are flushed. how odd.
uggghuuuugggggggggggeiiiiiiiiiiiiii
job hunting is so depressing. Interview in Dallas went very well. Lunch in Austin went well, however temp agency lady is sort of hopeless. A month in advance I schedule the interview, and two days before she cancels. She then rescedules for four days off, only to never give me a time/place/paperwork. I drove to austin but it turns out she was in sanantonio. She didn't return my calls and I finally called her only to have her say "can we schedule a phone interview?" I could have done that without driving 1900 miles. Seriously. Now back at work with no definite prospects in the future. I picked a terrible time to job hunt. All the BS students just left school and are job hunting leaving me quite unemployed.
On to happier thoughts. Started meditating again yesterday. It really helps to quench the flow of thoughts that rip through my silly noggin all the time. I was so tired yesterday that I think I was really sleeping sitting up but all the same, it counts as trying.
I have been thinking a lot about the point of meditation. It seems to be developing "one pointed focus" What does that really mean? I think, it may be to utterly stop, quench, supress, the "flow of conciousness" . I recently read part of a text on conciousness by a prof in England. She did her PhD in ESP research and realized it was a bit unrealistic and now teaches courses on the nature of conciousness.
It made me think back on what is conciousness. Conciousness seems to be the flow of information/sensory/past experiences through our working memory. We sense it as a continous run of thoughts and ideas that are convuluted. merge. processed and mulled over. I guess our working memory either is or is next door to the "chalkboard" where all the chewing occurs.
The aim of meditation seems to be to empty the chalkboard/working memory. A blank slate. A blissful empty canvas. It is nature's abhorrence of a vacuum that makes our mind fill that space the second it empties. Meditation is hard becuase we are supressing our mind's desire to fill the gap.
On to happier thoughts. Started meditating again yesterday. It really helps to quench the flow of thoughts that rip through my silly noggin all the time. I was so tired yesterday that I think I was really sleeping sitting up but all the same, it counts as trying.
I have been thinking a lot about the point of meditation. It seems to be developing "one pointed focus" What does that really mean? I think, it may be to utterly stop, quench, supress, the "flow of conciousness" . I recently read part of a text on conciousness by a prof in England. She did her PhD in ESP research and realized it was a bit unrealistic and now teaches courses on the nature of conciousness.
It made me think back on what is conciousness. Conciousness seems to be the flow of information/sensory/past experiences through our working memory. We sense it as a continous run of thoughts and ideas that are convuluted. merge. processed and mulled over. I guess our working memory either is or is next door to the "chalkboard" where all the chewing occurs.
The aim of meditation seems to be to empty the chalkboard/working memory. A blank slate. A blissful empty canvas. It is nature's abhorrence of a vacuum that makes our mind fill that space the second it empties. Meditation is hard becuase we are supressing our mind's desire to fill the gap.
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