I found my job in biotech and moved back home to Texas. I liked where I worked as my boss really didn't expect much in the way of intelligence so I just pretended to be a bit less smart than I was. My coworkers were great and work was and still is sort of like a party. I believe in having fun and loving what I do so I force my coworkers along for the ride.
My health seemed fine and I actually had more energy than I had in awhile. It was very spastic, crazed almost manic energy but energy all the same. I also felt like I was kept from the rest of the world by several layers of saran wrap. The world was there and I was here and if I stretched out really far I could see them and talk to them. I also had this odd dull ache right underneath my stomach. It had been there for years but it seemed to be worse now. I also noticed it was harder to "have" emotions. Mentally I would "feel" some emotion but it wouldn't be carried to the rest my body. I just felt sort of empty and isolated. Not sad or happy just empty.
I had gotton off the pill and gotton an IUD with no hormones so I started to notice how much my hormonal cycle messed with my world. I would ovulate and start menses with clocklike precision every 28 days. I had never, ever been so regular. Almost to the hour on the particular day. I also noticed that my mental state would fluctuate in a clocklike way directly related to my hormonal state. The three days around ovulation I would basically be comatose. I was so tired and so foggy headed. I couldn't think clearly. I got to where I hoped those days would be on the weekend so I didn't have to work. The whole week before my menses I would be very cold and callous and a bit irritable. I felt like I had no heart. There were other days where I would be hyper for two and a half days then be focus for three days, then be tired for three days. I mapped it out for five months on a calenander becuase I thought I was going a bit nutty. Finally in one of the PMS cold callous states I calmly explained to my husband that I did not want to live with him anymore or anyone else for that matter. I had even thought about how we would seperate the bills and care of our son. No emotions involved. Three days later I was horrified I had decided all this as in general we have a pretty good relationship. I thought that perhaps getting back on the pill might help even out all the hormonal changes.
I made an appointment with my general practitioner. She is a wonderful person but very busy as all the docs are now days. I tried to explain to her what was going on and after three sentances she gave me some samples of an antidepressent for the PMS. I thought, well, okay. Then she lectured me about not getting bloodwork she had ordered the previous fall. So off I went for the bloodwork and I took the antidepressent for the next round of PMS. I was so happy in a very drunk like state. Everything was so funny-which says a lot cause I think pretty much everything is funny anyways. PMS was much better. On the way to get the bloodwork done I think I remembered asking God-Siva of course-to make them find something odd as I was so tired of feeling so odd all the time. Little did I know...
