Two weeks later and I visit the new guy-who is very new indeed. Later I found out he had only been a real practicing dr for one week when he saw me. The office was very different from the last endos office. Her place was a bit like a meat market with twenty or thirty peoiple waiting at any given moment. You would sit in a little box when they took you back for about thirty minutes and then get a three to five minute visit with Dr. Satan. This office was a small room with some couches. Two or maybe three people would be waiting. The office was filled to the brim with Texas decorations. Somebody here loves Texas! The doc was totally different. He was young and cheerful and didn't seem to be in too much of a hurry. I think i didn't shut up for fifteen minutes straight. I never got a chance to say anything to satan women as she made it clear she didn't have time to talk. This poor guy got his ears talked off. I showed him all my previous test results and told him I wouldn't take the synthroid till the other problem, whatever it was, was resolved. He ran a bunch of tests for cortisol and ACTH as the symptoms appeared to him to be adrenal related even though the ACTH stim test looked fine.
The next week we had another visit. The tests came back fine and he was at a loss. He wanted to try an even lower dose of synthroid-12.5 ug. At this point I was a bit disgusted with the idea as the past couple of weeks had been very tramatic. But it was a very low dose and he was a really nice guy so I figured I'd try it. The first day I saw the excessive urination, headache and nauses come back in small amounts. On the third day I dropped the amount to 6 ug or so given that chewing a tablet in fourths isn't real practical. The symptoms were still there and I was getting a bit weaker. It looked like now I would just slowly get worse and worse. No optimism here. I got a bit herbal on my poor doc and tried to take some licorice rooat as it is the herbal solution for weak adrenals. Licorice prevents the enzymatic conversion of cortisone to cortisol in the kidneys. This allows a large excess of cortisone to be present in the kidneys and bind to the aldosterone receptor, replacing a lack of aldosterone. Usually this enzymatic conversion is what gives aldosterone its specificty as cortisone can bind just as tightly as aldosterone. Licorice "poisening" results if you eat tons of licorice root and mimics hyperaldosteronism (conn's disease).
It worked! I actually felt better. I took several licorice pills and drank some licorice tea. Of course the problem with herbals and the like is that the way they work is so unregualted and you have no idea when they stop working. On the second day I went back to the ER as I guess all the licorice was metabolized and I went from fine to severe tremors in ten minutes. Of course the ER doc said I should TAKE MORE SYNTHROID... Of course I should. Poor guy.
I went back to the endo the next week and told him what happened. He said we could try taking no synthroid at all but I had seen the change taking the synthroid, at least at first. I did feel better. I wanted to feel better. I was tired of living in a shell with wierd symtpoms all the time and feeling like a hyperchondriac. So he was going to try a dose of prednisone with the synthroid. I asked him to consider a very low dose of hydorcortisone instead and he said sure. Then I said that since my symptoms were aldosterone related, perhaps we could just try florinef for a bit first as it won't suppress the HPA axis at all. He said sure why not and sent me home to take 100 ug of florinef and 25 ug of levoxyl. I think he was so baffled.
A week later I was back and doing really well. I felt much better and the florinef was keeping me stable with no apparent side effects. In theory if I was making aldosterone in reasonable quantities I would see edema and raised blood pressure but overall I saw nothing. My endo was so excited. He told me to keep taking the synthroid for five weeks and then we would do more tests and possibly raise the dosage. My poor endo...
Sunday, October 23, 2005
TSH 200 to 7.8: part four
I stopped taking the synthroid, contrary to dr.satan's demands. The next day I thought I was doing okay so I went up to visit my mother who lives two hours away. While there, drinking a cup of coffee and drinking water, (how wonderful it was to drink water again) I began to get drunk. I started laughing at everything my mother said and wasn't walking so well. I couldn't speak clearly and was sort of slurred. I drove myselfto the ER. By the time I got there I was shaking badly, my speech was so slurred I couldn't speak clearly and I was cognitvely messed up. I was also hyperventilating The got me right to the back. I told the dr about all the endocrine abnormalities and suggested he might want to look at hypovolemic nyponatremia. He was the nicest of ER docs and told me I was having a panic attack. I explained to him that I wasn't normally one to have panic attacks and he said that everyone says that. He told me that I needed to be sedated. I tried to ask him about the slurred speech and cognitive impairment being signs of a panic attack and he said neurology is that way. Yeah... After the benedryl incident sedation did not seem like a good idea.
So at this point I got mad and told him I would take my panic attack home with me. I tried to stomp off in a stubborn little girl fashion but I couldn't make me feet work the right way and think it was more stumbling and dragging than stomping. I got to the ER door and couldn't get it to open. I slammed my body into it three times and it wouldn't move. I finally realized there was print under the handle which said I had to press a button. I stumbled around the wall and found the button and found my father-in-law waiting on the other side of the door. He helped me out to the car and stoped at a store and got me gatorade. I sat in thier living room punch drunk for about three hours sipping at gatorade. Finally whatever was going on passed. That night I tried to sleep but I started to get so cold and my respiration slowed down. My heart was beating so slowly and I felt so calm and groggy, yet clear. I started shaking and felt incredibly relaxed and lathargic. I couldn't find to energy to move. This was new. The coldness and lethargy struck a signal with the hypothyroidism so I took the tinest nibble off of one of the 50 ug synthroids. Within five minutes I felt a little better and I could breathe a bit faster. My heart rate also seemed to have picked up a bit. I tried to tell this to my GP who insisted it was a plecebo effect. But you can't trick a biochemist like that. Later on I learned about the deiodinases which convert the T4 to T3. It turns out in hypothyroidism the expression levels are upregulated. In my case perhaps very upregulated. T4 has an immediate effect within five to ten minutes when I take it.
I had one more ER visit the next night due to the uncontrolled shaking and drop in body temp. Again they told me to take the synthroid. I called my GP that day and she told me to call the endo. I explained the endos behavior and she asked me to come in the next day. When she saw me she was horrified. I was still shaking and very, very weak. I couldn't follow her finger with my eyes at all and couldn't walk very steadily. She did an ECG, sent me in for an MRI, and told me NOT to take the synthroid. Most importantly she gave me a hug. I explained I had made an appt with another endo for the next week and she said that that endo office had a much better dr in it who was trained as a general internist.
That thursday was my last visit with Dr.satan who told me my ACTH test looked great and that I should take the synthroid. She also insisted that I needed to see a nuerologist friend of hers as the numbness in my extremiites was a nerve problem. It seems pretty obvious to me it was a lack of peripheral circulation but whatever. By this time I was back to normal and had actually went running the day before. It seemed rather obvious to me that the synthroid was not the right choice until whatever else was going on was resolved. I take the synthroid-I think I am going to die. hmmm..... It isn't a tough choice for me. I felt okay so I said to hell with her and just waited for the next endo visit with the new guy.
So at this point I got mad and told him I would take my panic attack home with me. I tried to stomp off in a stubborn little girl fashion but I couldn't make me feet work the right way and think it was more stumbling and dragging than stomping. I got to the ER door and couldn't get it to open. I slammed my body into it three times and it wouldn't move. I finally realized there was print under the handle which said I had to press a button. I stumbled around the wall and found the button and found my father-in-law waiting on the other side of the door. He helped me out to the car and stoped at a store and got me gatorade. I sat in thier living room punch drunk for about three hours sipping at gatorade. Finally whatever was going on passed. That night I tried to sleep but I started to get so cold and my respiration slowed down. My heart was beating so slowly and I felt so calm and groggy, yet clear. I started shaking and felt incredibly relaxed and lathargic. I couldn't find to energy to move. This was new. The coldness and lethargy struck a signal with the hypothyroidism so I took the tinest nibble off of one of the 50 ug synthroids. Within five minutes I felt a little better and I could breathe a bit faster. My heart rate also seemed to have picked up a bit. I tried to tell this to my GP who insisted it was a plecebo effect. But you can't trick a biochemist like that. Later on I learned about the deiodinases which convert the T4 to T3. It turns out in hypothyroidism the expression levels are upregulated. In my case perhaps very upregulated. T4 has an immediate effect within five to ten minutes when I take it.
I had one more ER visit the next night due to the uncontrolled shaking and drop in body temp. Again they told me to take the synthroid. I called my GP that day and she told me to call the endo. I explained the endos behavior and she asked me to come in the next day. When she saw me she was horrified. I was still shaking and very, very weak. I couldn't follow her finger with my eyes at all and couldn't walk very steadily. She did an ECG, sent me in for an MRI, and told me NOT to take the synthroid. Most importantly she gave me a hug. I explained I had made an appt with another endo for the next week and she said that that endo office had a much better dr in it who was trained as a general internist.
That thursday was my last visit with Dr.satan who told me my ACTH test looked great and that I should take the synthroid. She also insisted that I needed to see a nuerologist friend of hers as the numbness in my extremiites was a nerve problem. It seems pretty obvious to me it was a lack of peripheral circulation but whatever. By this time I was back to normal and had actually went running the day before. It seemed rather obvious to me that the synthroid was not the right choice until whatever else was going on was resolved. I take the synthroid-I think I am going to die. hmmm..... It isn't a tough choice for me. I felt okay so I said to hell with her and just waited for the next endo visit with the new guy.
TSH 200 to 7.8 : part three
So...getting to the point of the story...my GP calls me on a Sunday night about two weeks later and asks me if i feel okay. It turns out my TSH level was >150. She said it was a lab fluke as I didn't have any hypothyroid symptoms so we'd retest it. We did that week and again it was at TSH>150. She was baffled as I am tall and thin, somewhat underweight and only had very mild fatigue. She hesitantly started me on a 75 ug dose of the generic levothyroid, had me go in for an ultrasound on my thyroid and tested all the other hormones as I also had been lactating a bit (I know, it seems like this would be a big deal but I nursed my kid so I didn't think much of it). The first doses were like the ritalin only better. I felt fantastic. I had so much energy and my brain was so clear and focused. I could "feel" again. After the fourth dose I still had the good effects but I started to feel bad as well. In the AM I would be okay but by three PM I would have a horrible headache, be very nauseated, and get very weak and shaky. I started having mild shooting pains in my arms and legs and urinating like a pregnant woman, only worse. I started to notice odd things about food like tea tasted really flat and I was having really strong salt cravings. On the sixth day I stopped the meds as I was feeling so terrible. My GP was on vacation so I didn't want to call her and bug her till the following Monday. I actually felt much better for most of the day.
That evening I started to feel like my hands and feet were really swollen and burning-to the point of explosion. They didn't look swollen but felt really hot to the touch. I started having stabbing pains in my arms and legs and was hurting pretty badly. My first venture into internet support groups was at this point when I posted what was going wrong with me on a thyroid message board. I finally called my GPs office and had her paged as I felt so bad. She called me right back and told me I was having an allergic reaction to the synthroid and I should take some benedryl. So I went down to Target and bought a box. I was hurting so much I tore the box open and ate four of them in the store-perhaps it was a bit too much benedryl but I sort of equated it to ibuprofin and thought twice the dose would just work twice as well. We all make mistakes in life. I made it home still feeling bad and got back onto the message board where three people had logged on and told me I might be having an adrenal crisis due to the initiation of the thyroid hormone treatment. I tried to reply but realized I couldn't type anymore and was starting to tremor. I stood up and fell over and then my husband got me into the car and to the ER which is just around the corner. I didn't want to freak him out so I told him to go home and stay with our nine year old son and I'd walk in by myself. He dropped me at the entrance and left.
I made it to the desk but then couldn't walk anymore as the tremor had gotten so bad. I was also starting to breathe really strangely, very spasmadically and in spells where I would take several very deep and then several very shallow breaths. The took me straight back and then my husband was there as he had wanted to make sure I made it in okay. I couldn't talk at this point and the nurse and dr kept telling me to try and control my breathing. I could hear them but I couldn't really speak clearly. I finally composed myself a bit and tried to tell the ER doc what was going on. I said I might be having an adrenal problem but I didn't know. He asked me why i thought that and I said it had been suggested to me by somebody on a message board. He looked very skeptical but I think he tried to take care of me the best he could. My electrolytes looked okay but my TSH was 89. He concluded I maybe needed more synthroid and that I should NOT stop taking it. He said it wasthe benedryl that caused all the problems. I didn't want to argue with him but i decided not to take the synthroid the next day and called up an endocrinologist.
They got me in that day. She-henceforth labeld as Dr. Satan -my first endocinologist quickly looked me over and decided I had adrenal insufficiency and told me not to take the synthroid. She ran cortisol, ACTH, and aldosterone tests and set up my appt for the following week. I made another short ER trip in that time as I had started to tremor again. I had read up in the week enough on adrenal problems to realize I might have low salt levels so quickly started increasing my salt. While waiting in the ER I drnak three V8s from the vending machine and felt much better and left.
When I went back in to see Dr.Satan she said my cortisol levels and ACTH levels were fine and I just needed a lower initial dose of synthroid. So I was to start at 25 ug for a week and then go up to 50 ug for a week and the visit her again. By this time I had read a lot more, and having a BS in biochemistry and an MS in biophysics let me understand quite a lot of it, so I was a bit skeptical. But I figured this lady had been doing this a long time so I should trust her judgement and follow her guidance. She was board certified and all that jazz. Surely she knows her stuff.
I later noted she didn't have my aldosterone test at that point and it was below normal but again I figured that she had looked it over when it came in and would let me know if there was a problem. So I started my meds like a good patient. After the fourth day all the old symptoms were back-the headache, nausea, weakness, fatigue, tremor, excessive urination and salt craving. I started to increase my salt intake which initially seemed to help. I also noticed a new symptom starting as the days went on-numbness in my hands and feet. However drinking a bit of salt water of gatorade or V8 would control all the symptoms and I would feel okay. After about five days the salt water didn't make me better, it just seemed to keep me kicking. I would go through phases of grogginess and extreme fatigue. In the middle of the second week I got stuck in a long meeting where all I could drink was water. It seemed like even drinking the samllest amounts of water made me urinate out much more water and my hands started to get very numb. Half way through the meeting my hands were ice cold and pale. If you pinched the skin to test for dehyration it would just sit there all folded up. I left the meeting and kept running into doorways and my speech was starting to slur. I called my endo and got voice mail. I left a message but after waiting an hour at my office nobody called me back. I got in my car and started driving home. I couldn't feel my hands but thought if I could just get home and lay down I'd be okay. Halfway there I started having spasms under the left side of my chest. Like the whole left side of my body was caving in upon myself. I was terrified at this point and was going 105 mph to the closest ER. I got there, explained what had happened and then told me I was likely hypoglocymic and to have a seat, but not to eat or drink anything. So I waited for about an hour very incoherent and confused, staggering when I tried to walk. I finally found the vending machine and drank three V8s in a row. After a few minutes I felt a much better and left.
I took a half dose of syhtroid the next day as I didn't want a repeat of the first round of stopping synthroid. I called the endo and got some nurse who said it sounded like I was having an electrolyte problem-what a smart kid-but then he said he wasn't a dr or even a nurse so he'd get them to call me back. The nurse calls me back and says to make an appt with a cardiologist as I have a heart condition and that's why the synthroid makes me ill. She also said to cut the dose of synthroid by half. The next day I took no synthroid, went to see the cardiologist who said my heart was fine. During the day I kept going through delerius spells. I would get really ahaky and weak and drink some gatorade, which would then make me feel really groggy and delerius. The endo called me herself at 8 am and said to come in for an ACTH stimulation test that afternoon. When I showed up she said my electrolytes where fine and yelled at me that they would have seen that and they had tested that-which they had not. She yelled that she had never seen anybody like me in 5000 patients and 35 years of practice and that I just needed to keep taking my synthroid. She said she'd do the test but that that wasn't what was wrong with me. I couldn't understand why she was so angry and hostile. I had never been argumentative or even suggested what might be wrong with me. I had tried to keep track of what had happened to me over the week on a piece of paper. She wouldn't even look at it and her nurse practitioner told me she really needed the condensed version. I had had four spells of delerium that day, one of them while sitting in the cardiologists waiting room and she wants the condensed version.
They took me to a little room to wait for the nurse where I sat and cried. I am not by nature a crier. I am actually pretty tough but I was in such bad shape and Dr. Satantic Evil demon seemed to think I was making it up. The nurse came in and gave me the ACTH shot. Within ten minutes I felt so much better. I stopped hurting, could think somewhat clearly, and felt okay. I left after the blood draw and ate the first meal I could eat in the last two weeks. I drank two full glasses of tea and felt so much better. It was so amazing how good it could be to eat again. All told I lost 15 pounds in two weeks.
That evening I started to feel like my hands and feet were really swollen and burning-to the point of explosion. They didn't look swollen but felt really hot to the touch. I started having stabbing pains in my arms and legs and was hurting pretty badly. My first venture into internet support groups was at this point when I posted what was going wrong with me on a thyroid message board. I finally called my GPs office and had her paged as I felt so bad. She called me right back and told me I was having an allergic reaction to the synthroid and I should take some benedryl. So I went down to Target and bought a box. I was hurting so much I tore the box open and ate four of them in the store-perhaps it was a bit too much benedryl but I sort of equated it to ibuprofin and thought twice the dose would just work twice as well. We all make mistakes in life. I made it home still feeling bad and got back onto the message board where three people had logged on and told me I might be having an adrenal crisis due to the initiation of the thyroid hormone treatment. I tried to reply but realized I couldn't type anymore and was starting to tremor. I stood up and fell over and then my husband got me into the car and to the ER which is just around the corner. I didn't want to freak him out so I told him to go home and stay with our nine year old son and I'd walk in by myself. He dropped me at the entrance and left.
I made it to the desk but then couldn't walk anymore as the tremor had gotten so bad. I was also starting to breathe really strangely, very spasmadically and in spells where I would take several very deep and then several very shallow breaths. The took me straight back and then my husband was there as he had wanted to make sure I made it in okay. I couldn't talk at this point and the nurse and dr kept telling me to try and control my breathing. I could hear them but I couldn't really speak clearly. I finally composed myself a bit and tried to tell the ER doc what was going on. I said I might be having an adrenal problem but I didn't know. He asked me why i thought that and I said it had been suggested to me by somebody on a message board. He looked very skeptical but I think he tried to take care of me the best he could. My electrolytes looked okay but my TSH was 89. He concluded I maybe needed more synthroid and that I should NOT stop taking it. He said it wasthe benedryl that caused all the problems. I didn't want to argue with him but i decided not to take the synthroid the next day and called up an endocrinologist.
They got me in that day. She-henceforth labeld as Dr. Satan -my first endocinologist quickly looked me over and decided I had adrenal insufficiency and told me not to take the synthroid. She ran cortisol, ACTH, and aldosterone tests and set up my appt for the following week. I made another short ER trip in that time as I had started to tremor again. I had read up in the week enough on adrenal problems to realize I might have low salt levels so quickly started increasing my salt. While waiting in the ER I drnak three V8s from the vending machine and felt much better and left.
When I went back in to see Dr.Satan she said my cortisol levels and ACTH levels were fine and I just needed a lower initial dose of synthroid. So I was to start at 25 ug for a week and then go up to 50 ug for a week and the visit her again. By this time I had read a lot more, and having a BS in biochemistry and an MS in biophysics let me understand quite a lot of it, so I was a bit skeptical. But I figured this lady had been doing this a long time so I should trust her judgement and follow her guidance. She was board certified and all that jazz. Surely she knows her stuff.
I later noted she didn't have my aldosterone test at that point and it was below normal but again I figured that she had looked it over when it came in and would let me know if there was a problem. So I started my meds like a good patient. After the fourth day all the old symptoms were back-the headache, nausea, weakness, fatigue, tremor, excessive urination and salt craving. I started to increase my salt intake which initially seemed to help. I also noticed a new symptom starting as the days went on-numbness in my hands and feet. However drinking a bit of salt water of gatorade or V8 would control all the symptoms and I would feel okay. After about five days the salt water didn't make me better, it just seemed to keep me kicking. I would go through phases of grogginess and extreme fatigue. In the middle of the second week I got stuck in a long meeting where all I could drink was water. It seemed like even drinking the samllest amounts of water made me urinate out much more water and my hands started to get very numb. Half way through the meeting my hands were ice cold and pale. If you pinched the skin to test for dehyration it would just sit there all folded up. I left the meeting and kept running into doorways and my speech was starting to slur. I called my endo and got voice mail. I left a message but after waiting an hour at my office nobody called me back. I got in my car and started driving home. I couldn't feel my hands but thought if I could just get home and lay down I'd be okay. Halfway there I started having spasms under the left side of my chest. Like the whole left side of my body was caving in upon myself. I was terrified at this point and was going 105 mph to the closest ER. I got there, explained what had happened and then told me I was likely hypoglocymic and to have a seat, but not to eat or drink anything. So I waited for about an hour very incoherent and confused, staggering when I tried to walk. I finally found the vending machine and drank three V8s in a row. After a few minutes I felt a much better and left.
I took a half dose of syhtroid the next day as I didn't want a repeat of the first round of stopping synthroid. I called the endo and got some nurse who said it sounded like I was having an electrolyte problem-what a smart kid-but then he said he wasn't a dr or even a nurse so he'd get them to call me back. The nurse calls me back and says to make an appt with a cardiologist as I have a heart condition and that's why the synthroid makes me ill. She also said to cut the dose of synthroid by half. The next day I took no synthroid, went to see the cardiologist who said my heart was fine. During the day I kept going through delerius spells. I would get really ahaky and weak and drink some gatorade, which would then make me feel really groggy and delerius. The endo called me herself at 8 am and said to come in for an ACTH stimulation test that afternoon. When I showed up she said my electrolytes where fine and yelled at me that they would have seen that and they had tested that-which they had not. She yelled that she had never seen anybody like me in 5000 patients and 35 years of practice and that I just needed to keep taking my synthroid. She said she'd do the test but that that wasn't what was wrong with me. I couldn't understand why she was so angry and hostile. I had never been argumentative or even suggested what might be wrong with me. I had tried to keep track of what had happened to me over the week on a piece of paper. She wouldn't even look at it and her nurse practitioner told me she really needed the condensed version. I had had four spells of delerium that day, one of them while sitting in the cardiologists waiting room and she wants the condensed version.
They took me to a little room to wait for the nurse where I sat and cried. I am not by nature a crier. I am actually pretty tough but I was in such bad shape and Dr. Satantic Evil demon seemed to think I was making it up. The nurse came in and gave me the ACTH shot. Within ten minutes I felt so much better. I stopped hurting, could think somewhat clearly, and felt okay. I left after the blood draw and ate the first meal I could eat in the last two weeks. I drank two full glasses of tea and felt so much better. It was so amazing how good it could be to eat again. All told I lost 15 pounds in two weeks.
TSH 200 to 7.8 part two
I found my job in biotech and moved back home to Texas. I liked where I worked as my boss really didn't expect much in the way of intelligence so I just pretended to be a bit less smart than I was. My coworkers were great and work was and still is sort of like a party. I believe in having fun and loving what I do so I force my coworkers along for the ride.
My health seemed fine and I actually had more energy than I had in awhile. It was very spastic, crazed almost manic energy but energy all the same. I also felt like I was kept from the rest of the world by several layers of saran wrap. The world was there and I was here and if I stretched out really far I could see them and talk to them. I also had this odd dull ache right underneath my stomach. It had been there for years but it seemed to be worse now. I also noticed it was harder to "have" emotions. Mentally I would "feel" some emotion but it wouldn't be carried to the rest my body. I just felt sort of empty and isolated. Not sad or happy just empty.
I had gotton off the pill and gotton an IUD with no hormones so I started to notice how much my hormonal cycle messed with my world. I would ovulate and start menses with clocklike precision every 28 days. I had never, ever been so regular. Almost to the hour on the particular day. I also noticed that my mental state would fluctuate in a clocklike way directly related to my hormonal state. The three days around ovulation I would basically be comatose. I was so tired and so foggy headed. I couldn't think clearly. I got to where I hoped those days would be on the weekend so I didn't have to work. The whole week before my menses I would be very cold and callous and a bit irritable. I felt like I had no heart. There were other days where I would be hyper for two and a half days then be focus for three days, then be tired for three days. I mapped it out for five months on a calenander becuase I thought I was going a bit nutty. Finally in one of the PMS cold callous states I calmly explained to my husband that I did not want to live with him anymore or anyone else for that matter. I had even thought about how we would seperate the bills and care of our son. No emotions involved. Three days later I was horrified I had decided all this as in general we have a pretty good relationship. I thought that perhaps getting back on the pill might help even out all the hormonal changes.
I made an appointment with my general practitioner. She is a wonderful person but very busy as all the docs are now days. I tried to explain to her what was going on and after three sentances she gave me some samples of an antidepressent for the PMS. I thought, well, okay. Then she lectured me about not getting bloodwork she had ordered the previous fall. So off I went for the bloodwork and I took the antidepressent for the next round of PMS. I was so happy in a very drunk like state. Everything was so funny-which says a lot cause I think pretty much everything is funny anyways. PMS was much better. On the way to get the bloodwork done I think I remembered asking God-Siva of course-to make them find something odd as I was so tired of feeling so odd all the time. Little did I know...
My health seemed fine and I actually had more energy than I had in awhile. It was very spastic, crazed almost manic energy but energy all the same. I also felt like I was kept from the rest of the world by several layers of saran wrap. The world was there and I was here and if I stretched out really far I could see them and talk to them. I also had this odd dull ache right underneath my stomach. It had been there for years but it seemed to be worse now. I also noticed it was harder to "have" emotions. Mentally I would "feel" some emotion but it wouldn't be carried to the rest my body. I just felt sort of empty and isolated. Not sad or happy just empty.
I had gotton off the pill and gotton an IUD with no hormones so I started to notice how much my hormonal cycle messed with my world. I would ovulate and start menses with clocklike precision every 28 days. I had never, ever been so regular. Almost to the hour on the particular day. I also noticed that my mental state would fluctuate in a clocklike way directly related to my hormonal state. The three days around ovulation I would basically be comatose. I was so tired and so foggy headed. I couldn't think clearly. I got to where I hoped those days would be on the weekend so I didn't have to work. The whole week before my menses I would be very cold and callous and a bit irritable. I felt like I had no heart. There were other days where I would be hyper for two and a half days then be focus for three days, then be tired for three days. I mapped it out for five months on a calenander becuase I thought I was going a bit nutty. Finally in one of the PMS cold callous states I calmly explained to my husband that I did not want to live with him anymore or anyone else for that matter. I had even thought about how we would seperate the bills and care of our son. No emotions involved. Three days later I was horrified I had decided all this as in general we have a pretty good relationship. I thought that perhaps getting back on the pill might help even out all the hormonal changes.
I made an appointment with my general practitioner. She is a wonderful person but very busy as all the docs are now days. I tried to explain to her what was going on and after three sentances she gave me some samples of an antidepressent for the PMS. I thought, well, okay. Then she lectured me about not getting bloodwork she had ordered the previous fall. So off I went for the bloodwork and I took the antidepressent for the next round of PMS. I was so happy in a very drunk like state. Everything was so funny-which says a lot cause I think pretty much everything is funny anyways. PMS was much better. On the way to get the bloodwork done I think I remembered asking God-Siva of course-to make them find something odd as I was so tired of feeling so odd all the time. Little did I know...
From 200 to 7.8 (TSH levels that is.....): part one
So I guess I have spent some portion of my adult life not feeling great but doing okay. As I hit the mid twenties I knew I was hurting for no good reason, depressed, tired and just feeling like crap. I come from a family of women who "wear out" early. We all start having vague unexplained pain and tiredness at right about thirty and when we talk it over with the docs it is said we are just getting old. My mother, my grandmother, my great grandmother, my sister have all been labeled as hyperchondriacs or mentally ill. That's why they feel bad. Fibromalagia, CFS, bipolar, Irritable bowel syndrome, PTSD, you name your favorite vague symdrome and my family has gotton stuck with it.
So when this happened to me I just ignored it. Just imagine going down to the Drs office and saying " I feel tired and am achey" Nothing like being branded a hyperchondriac at 25. Instead of dealing with know it all drs I just ate better, excercised more, did yoga, meditation and mentally prepared to deal with pain on some level and fatigue on some level for the rest of my life. I was just getting old. When I first moved to Michigan I spent the first six months totally exhausted and in constant pain. I figured it was the stairs-I hadn't lived in a place with stairs before. Over the next few years I went through a slow decline in my ability to focusand remember. I ended up with a diagnosis of ADHD and took ritalin for awhile. It did help it really odd ways.
I could focus better and I felt calm and relaxed. I guess I had morphed into a constant state of hypervilegence for some reason. I was always on edge-not in a panic attack sort of way but somehow on a more innate level. When I started the ritalin I was taking aikido-My teacher noticed a huge change in the fliudity of my movements. Before I had been very spastic, even spasmodic, now they were very smooth and integrated. The ritalin also helped me sleep so much better. I would sleep much more deeply and not dream at all. Before this I always dreamed, always remebered my dreams and would wake up every three hours or so with clocklike precision. I would find myself on some nights waking up from nightmarish dreams were my brain would get stuck in repetitive thoughts-an OCD like mesh of doing the same task again and again. My legs would also ache in a really odd way and I would wake up my husband by kicking him as I rolled around. It was exhausting. The ritalin made that stop and I could sleep so soundly. I also learned to "watch" my mental state as on and off the meds I could see huge differences in the way my mind worked. It gave me essential skills in self observation.
On the down side I had to stop taking it after awhile. Normally when ritalin wears off you go through a half hour of hyperactive irritability due to the innate dopamine levels dropping a bit. Your body steps up and restores those levels to normal but it takes about thirty minutes for that to happen. Kids on ritalin will be super spastic when this happens just for a bit. For me this was horrible. I would feel really bad with headaches, eyeaches, stomachaches and exhaustion for about two hours after I stopped the meds. I also noticed the longer I took the meds, the more of the calm effects had disappeared. I would just be more awake. I finally stopped them altogether and just embraced the fact that I was who I was and there wasn't much I could do about it. I found god-not jesus by any means! and focused on mopping up the mess that my graduate career had turned into.
I considered vet school as I realized I didn't want the lifelong PhD research route. My GPA and GRE scores were easliy within range so I took a pharmacology class in my grad program to see if I was smart enough to do okay in vet school. I totally understood the mecahnisms and the underlying science but I couldn't remember any of the drug names. My memory had been in serious decline for awhile so I figured I was just to old and dumb to really pursue that route. Our moms tell us we can be anything we want to be when we grow up. It is a lie but one told for the kindest reasons. I had tried to be a biophysicist but it seems my differential equation limited mind was not quite up to par. Now it also seemed like vet school was not realy a reasonable choice. On that note I worked for another year helping my Pofessor finish up some extra work and left with a Master's degree. A four years master's degree is a bit sad but a PHd would have locked me into a much worse path.
So when this happened to me I just ignored it. Just imagine going down to the Drs office and saying " I feel tired and am achey" Nothing like being branded a hyperchondriac at 25. Instead of dealing with know it all drs I just ate better, excercised more, did yoga, meditation and mentally prepared to deal with pain on some level and fatigue on some level for the rest of my life. I was just getting old. When I first moved to Michigan I spent the first six months totally exhausted and in constant pain. I figured it was the stairs-I hadn't lived in a place with stairs before. Over the next few years I went through a slow decline in my ability to focusand remember. I ended up with a diagnosis of ADHD and took ritalin for awhile. It did help it really odd ways.
I could focus better and I felt calm and relaxed. I guess I had morphed into a constant state of hypervilegence for some reason. I was always on edge-not in a panic attack sort of way but somehow on a more innate level. When I started the ritalin I was taking aikido-My teacher noticed a huge change in the fliudity of my movements. Before I had been very spastic, even spasmodic, now they were very smooth and integrated. The ritalin also helped me sleep so much better. I would sleep much more deeply and not dream at all. Before this I always dreamed, always remebered my dreams and would wake up every three hours or so with clocklike precision. I would find myself on some nights waking up from nightmarish dreams were my brain would get stuck in repetitive thoughts-an OCD like mesh of doing the same task again and again. My legs would also ache in a really odd way and I would wake up my husband by kicking him as I rolled around. It was exhausting. The ritalin made that stop and I could sleep so soundly. I also learned to "watch" my mental state as on and off the meds I could see huge differences in the way my mind worked. It gave me essential skills in self observation.
On the down side I had to stop taking it after awhile. Normally when ritalin wears off you go through a half hour of hyperactive irritability due to the innate dopamine levels dropping a bit. Your body steps up and restores those levels to normal but it takes about thirty minutes for that to happen. Kids on ritalin will be super spastic when this happens just for a bit. For me this was horrible. I would feel really bad with headaches, eyeaches, stomachaches and exhaustion for about two hours after I stopped the meds. I also noticed the longer I took the meds, the more of the calm effects had disappeared. I would just be more awake. I finally stopped them altogether and just embraced the fact that I was who I was and there wasn't much I could do about it. I found god-not jesus by any means! and focused on mopping up the mess that my graduate career had turned into.
I considered vet school as I realized I didn't want the lifelong PhD research route. My GPA and GRE scores were easliy within range so I took a pharmacology class in my grad program to see if I was smart enough to do okay in vet school. I totally understood the mecahnisms and the underlying science but I couldn't remember any of the drug names. My memory had been in serious decline for awhile so I figured I was just to old and dumb to really pursue that route. Our moms tell us we can be anything we want to be when we grow up. It is a lie but one told for the kindest reasons. I had tried to be a biophysicist but it seems my differential equation limited mind was not quite up to par. Now it also seemed like vet school was not realy a reasonable choice. On that note I worked for another year helping my Pofessor finish up some extra work and left with a Master's degree. A four years master's degree is a bit sad but a PHd would have locked me into a much worse path.
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