tomatoes

I am so lax about posting in the blog. I think to myself that I would like to write but I get caught up doing other things and just don't get the chance.

I am writing from work and I just want to note that my UNIX sucks ass. It seriously has given me a window two inches wide to type into. On many web pages I get messages about "your browser does not meet basic internet standards". I tried to get a new netscape however it seems that nobody likes UNIX anymore and no new versions have been made in years.

The dandelions have been mowed and returned as tall as ever. On a wierd side note many of them seem to have undergone a very odd mutation developmentally. The flowers will grow on a stalk an inch wide and four flower heads will be morphed together into a single wide flower. I was going to make dandelion jam, however I am a bit scared that I live on a nuclear waste site. Wonder what the tomatoes will look like?

Interesteing non plant, semi plant observations. I can't keep my mind quiet. On ritalin (for ADHD), it will sit there quiet when I try and meditate. It observes my surroundings but there is little internal "talking"-you know the voice in your head sort of talking. Off the meds, the voice never stops. Idea after idea pops up and they merge and split. It is like a vast web of chaotic colors all blending together. Like a toddler given two pieces of a puzzle. It bangs them together over and over again in different ways, till something fits. My brain does this with ideas. They get blended and churned and brought to the surface over and over again.

At night when I dream this is most obvious. On meds I sleep like a rock. It is so funny that I take a stimulant and I sleep so deeply. I still dream but can't remember it. My guess is that it enhances, not REM sleep, (perhaps supresses REM?), rather the periods of deep sleep that surround REM sleep. If I drink a big cup of coffee or take sudafed before bed I also sleep much more deeply. When I don't take meds, I dream all night long and almost always remember my dreams. It is very easy to interact in my dream stste as I usually know that I am dreaming. If something scares me in my dream , I can choose to calm down and move away from it or morph it into something else. I can also see the same blending of ideas occuring in dreams even more than when I am awake. My brain will take unrelated ideas encountered during the day and force them to be mixed. It will sometimes get stuck in a rut and hash the same idea over and over again till I get up because I can't stand lying there dreaming about it anymore. It actually becomes mental draining after awhile.

Is it good or bad? When I meditate not haven taken any meds, my mind runs crazy, jabbing for a few minutes. I finally quiet most of the verbal chatter but I can feel it bursting from under the surface. It is like an ocean that is very wide and deep and dark, very calm, with little ripples now and then that perturb the surface. The funnest part is that if I just keep sitting there, all the energy that must be constantly being burned up by the chatterbox mind and spastic body gets refunneled. After a few minutes my whole body starts to glow, metaphorically of course. I have had the same experience doing katas or in yoga. I am blissful, spastic and still all at once. I also want to giggle-he hehe.

This same glow often comes to me during sex, or when I am in really painful yoga poses (awwww, the back bends) Perhaps it's an endorphin rush.

I feel close to god then, not jesus or god mind you, but siva. I feel closer to understanding what I am about and what the world is about.

Funnily enough, like in Siddhartha, I don't know if I can explain it to anyone else. However I see the same thing in my dumpling. He will run and dance about spastically and I see the glowing bliss-silliness all over him. He couldn't stop if he wanted to. I guess that's why he is ADD. Mental illness or mental advantage? I may never be rich but I can roll in the grass and feel siva around me and inside of me. I guess all those normal people miss out on that.