I am made up of two pieces. One is Fi induced pain and suffering. The other is Te induced responsibility and self criticism.
Yesterday was so beautiful. I can remember why, from yesterday, that it would be impolite to burden others with my pain. It was so beautiful to feel no internal pain and instead be able to focus on the happiness and beauty of the other. However today that went away.
Back to the normal pain. Today I wish I could die. I wish I could walk into the ocean and swim until my arms give out and then just drown. Just to give up and not feel the internal pain anymore would be so beautiful. The ocean would surround me and hold me and I would inhale it and feel pain, but it would be self limiting. This pain does not seem to end.
I of course wouldn't do that. It is just a whim as it will gone tomorrow. I have my kids to be responsible for and bills to pay and things to check off my list. Te always wins in the end.
How I wish I either did not exist or was someone else.
Monday, November 09, 2009
an ENFP vs an ENTP interview
We recently interviewed two potentials for my bosses' position-Director of Marketing. The first was an ENFP, with a well developed tert Te, but very polished and well rounded Fi. The other was an ENTP with a lot of Ne and not so much Fe, who went on several Ti walks and left us all behind.
I loved the ENFP as she was very good, but we also need more Fi, not more tert Fe.
I could have been great friends with the ENTP though as she was very clever and actually looked to be a lot of fun.
Other people's thoughts:
the ESFJ and ISFJ both liked the ENFP better but felt she was wearing a mask and questioned what she would be like on a bad day. In other words would she be mean. They could sense the tertiary Te.
The ENTP really disliked the ENFP. First he said she was weak. I couldnt get a clear answer for what he meant by this. Then he mumbled that she would be controlling. He uses tons of tertiary Fe, and what I have seen seems to hold true-tert Fe and tert Te do not go well together.
The ESTP-her boss-only looked at her resume and the fact that she had the exactly right background to push one product into one marketplace. data, data, data, and a total lack of understanding of the big picture.
The INFJ actually said "I feel for her" with respect to the entp, as I think she was picking up on subtle Fe vibes of distress that I was missing. However she agreed the ENFP was the better choice given her well roundedness.
Just interesting to observe.
I loved the ENFP as she was very good, but we also need more Fi, not more tert Fe.
I could have been great friends with the ENTP though as she was very clever and actually looked to be a lot of fun.
Other people's thoughts:
the ESFJ and ISFJ both liked the ENFP better but felt she was wearing a mask and questioned what she would be like on a bad day. In other words would she be mean. They could sense the tertiary Te.
The ENTP really disliked the ENFP. First he said she was weak. I couldnt get a clear answer for what he meant by this. Then he mumbled that she would be controlling. He uses tons of tertiary Fe, and what I have seen seems to hold true-tert Fe and tert Te do not go well together.
The ESTP-her boss-only looked at her resume and the fact that she had the exactly right background to push one product into one marketplace. data, data, data, and a total lack of understanding of the big picture.
The INFJ actually said "I feel for her" with respect to the entp, as I think she was picking up on subtle Fe vibes of distress that I was missing. However she agreed the ENFP was the better choice given her well roundedness.
Just interesting to observe.
Pain, Fe vs Fi and cortisol
Today I am sick. I have a sore throat. This morning it was really hurting. Then mentally I tried to tell myself the pain was not real.
Within 30 s the discomfort decreased from a 10 to a 1. At the same time I noticed that my left shoulder, stopped hurting. I have bursitis and anytime I bend over it flares with agony-not quite icepick style but bang your finger with a hammer style.
I combined the thought that the pain was not real with the idea of supressing the Fi mist. Quell everything and observe external.
I am in an Fe stoned ass zone right now. None of my joints hurt, I am so calm, my motions are so much more coordinated. My toddler broke a glass on the floor. Instead of feeling frustration, I felt very calm and just cleaned it up and told him it was okay.
Twice before in my life have I felt this way. Once when taking cortisol, and once when on valium just after having an endoscopy.
Today's theory:
Fi and Fe are just a sliding continuum regulated by cortisol levels. The more cortisol produced, the calmer you feel, the less pain you feel due to less inflammation overall, the more energy you have to play social masking games-or is this actually the norm???? However cortisol depresses the immune system, thus hypothetically an Fe user will get sick more-thus from an evolutionary perspective die off. If depressed it will be of the chronic type that responds well to SSRIs and is thought to be due to overproduction of cortisol.
An Fi user produces less cortisol, and has a much more reactive, stronger immune system. This allows them to survive illness better evolutionarily. However you would expect more chronic pain/inflammation due to nonspecific immune activity, more true autoimmune disease. Also pain will be felt more accutely. The same injury really will hurt an Fi user more than an Fe user. Other trends-Fi users will be more likely to exhibit chronic fatigue syndrome. Mentally Fi users will rely upon adrenlin rushes to help counter the lack of cortisol-Te rage/frustration. They will also be prone to anxiety more. They will feel emotional pain more strongly and without the calming, controlling effects of cortisol, will externalize.
Qs:
1) why does Fi love feel so different from Fe love?
2) what about Te users vs Ti users and tert Fe vs Fi?
Within 30 s the discomfort decreased from a 10 to a 1. At the same time I noticed that my left shoulder, stopped hurting. I have bursitis and anytime I bend over it flares with agony-not quite icepick style but bang your finger with a hammer style.
I combined the thought that the pain was not real with the idea of supressing the Fi mist. Quell everything and observe external.
I am in an Fe stoned ass zone right now. None of my joints hurt, I am so calm, my motions are so much more coordinated. My toddler broke a glass on the floor. Instead of feeling frustration, I felt very calm and just cleaned it up and told him it was okay.
Twice before in my life have I felt this way. Once when taking cortisol, and once when on valium just after having an endoscopy.
Today's theory:
Fi and Fe are just a sliding continuum regulated by cortisol levels. The more cortisol produced, the calmer you feel, the less pain you feel due to less inflammation overall, the more energy you have to play social masking games-or is this actually the norm???? However cortisol depresses the immune system, thus hypothetically an Fe user will get sick more-thus from an evolutionary perspective die off. If depressed it will be of the chronic type that responds well to SSRIs and is thought to be due to overproduction of cortisol.
An Fi user produces less cortisol, and has a much more reactive, stronger immune system. This allows them to survive illness better evolutionarily. However you would expect more chronic pain/inflammation due to nonspecific immune activity, more true autoimmune disease. Also pain will be felt more accutely. The same injury really will hurt an Fi user more than an Fe user. Other trends-Fi users will be more likely to exhibit chronic fatigue syndrome. Mentally Fi users will rely upon adrenlin rushes to help counter the lack of cortisol-Te rage/frustration. They will also be prone to anxiety more. They will feel emotional pain more strongly and without the calming, controlling effects of cortisol, will externalize.
Qs:
1) why does Fi love feel so different from Fe love?
2) what about Te users vs Ti users and tert Fe vs Fi?
Sunday, November 08, 2009
The list of three
Three things I would like to do before I die:
1. Think an original thought never thought before
2. Go to a place where no person has ever been before
3. Develop a theory of social/organizational dynamics based upon MBTI, NPL, and Jungian functional theory
1. Think an original thought never thought before
2. Go to a place where no person has ever been before
3. Develop a theory of social/organizational dynamics based upon MBTI, NPL, and Jungian functional theory
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Saturday Poem
Patterns scurry in front of my eyes.
Frothing ocean's breeze
little oak tress leaves numbered in the billions
lover's hair in delicate spiral patterns
skin, textural delight, under my tongue.
Frothing ocean's breeze
little oak tress leaves numbered in the billions
lover's hair in delicate spiral patterns
skin, textural delight, under my tongue.
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