writing allows me to express and tap into Fi more cleanly than anything else. Saying goodbye is hard but even more fun is setting the goal of never returning and then sticking to it.

Te loves goals and loves achieving them. If I miss the goal I stuck in a cycle of never ending failure. By hitting the goal, I satisfy the never ending beast on my back.

To love, to be loved, where do those puzzle pieces lie. I dont know those answers. I go against the grain of wood, get stuck in the rip currents of the way life is lived. Even for those like me, I end up a bump in the smooth laminate flooring. It's okay, as I am not upset, just accepting.

I love my baby.
I love my gangly teenager.
I love my strange elusive entps.
I love my petulant istjs.
I love my strong, silent, sweet INTJs.

I can stand alone and I am okay with that. I love from afar.

new blog home

This will be my new blog home. My old posts were scattered across the old place but I'd rather think alone for awhile here.

alone after all

I started life off throughout my early adult hood feeling alone. I never could connect with others the proper way.

I finally thought I had made progress and was starting to understand how to use what I am to connect to others. I was incorrect.

I felt as though I was connecting but the people I was connecting with lack the proper "receptor" for lack of a better term to understand what I offered them.

They never realized how much it cost me to offer this up, this inner part of me.

They live in a world of temporary playful emo connections that disapate when the wind blows. I dont understand what love is or what true connections are, but this is not it.

Yet all of the people I am connected to are via this types of connections.

my baby

is big, bites, pinch-scratches, pulls hair and is all around the toughest little 18 month old ever. I guess that is what happens when you have a 12 year old brother who picks on you all the time.

Actually that just may be an excuse. I think this one was just born tough.

however when it is time to go to nurse (I am a hippie) he is so funny. As soon as he knows he gets to nurse, he starts to giggle, smile, latches on, then rolls his eyes back in his head and wiggles in happiness.

Nursing must be some sort of addictive dopamine flood. It's like the kid is taking a hit, or drag on a cigarette.

We are going to look into a "patch" pretty soon for the little addict.

buying a home

So I finally decided to take a plunge into home ownership.

Right now, since me and the ex are still technicall wedded, I can buy a house only using my income but have to show his debts as part of my debt to income ratio.

He has a lot of debt.

I cashed out my stock awards for downpayment and closing costs, but this still puts me in a delicate situation without the required down payment. I found a mortgage broker who will help, however we are riding the "funny money" mortgage debacle coat-tails right up until it becomes illegal on Oct 1st.

We are getting "downpayment assistance" from the seller which will become illegal on Oct 1st. This means they "give" me $5000 which actually gets added into the cost of the mortgage.


I am a little confused as to why this is becoming illegal. Most folks can swing a mortgage that is close to the current rent payment. For me I pay 1100 in rent or it looks like about 1076 in mortgage for the condo. My credit is excellent and I make plenty of money. I just lack 5% plus closing fees-ie 12 grand or so in cash.

I think the down payment assistance is just an easy target to blame. In reality the ARM mortgages are the real problem. There is no good reason folks in a state like Texas need a crazy ARM mortgage unless they are flipping houses. Mortgage brokers just found easy targets amoung the poor and uneducated (aka financially stuid). The ARMs are the reason for the high default rates.

Also I read somewhere that 75% of first time home buyers who show up with a significant downpayment got it as a gift from family. Not everyone has mom and dad to fall back on.